From the archives...

[my birthday post from last year]

Life...
So, I'm thirty-five.
Yesterday, my actual birthday, I was not in a very good mood after getting up. I wasn't in a bad mood-but I had kind of sidestepped the fact that Nattie had been gone a year on my birthday. I had successfully avoided thinking about it - much. But it hit me Saturday morning and that along with just some general blahs worked to make my birthday, not so enjoyable. We salvaged the evening with dinner out and ice cream and cake & declared today a 'do over' day.
So today-after waking up late and missing the early service at church we headed out for a day of fun in the sun. We went to a local state park to swim. The sun was hot (105) but the water initally walking in was CHILLY (it's spring fed), after getting adjusted we began to splash and swim and have a really good time. About an hour and a half into our fun-we noticed a commotion on the other side from us and then after a series of events about 20 mins later a young teens body was pulled from the water. I witnessed someone drown today. It all happened very fast, and it was surreal. We didn't really know what was going on & it was across the way from us so we couldn't hear what was going on but soon the pieces came together.
Upon seeing the body surface, I immediately started crying and I just prayed, right there, out loud. I grabbed my kiddos hands and prayed like we do when we see an ambulance go by or a car wreck we pass. I prayed for God to be there, to be with them & I just cried. I heard a momma crying in agony and my heart broke into a million pieces. The pain of watching that, I cannot, I never, ever, ever want that to be me. Of course the lifeguards and staff/park rangers were adminstering CPR . We were tidying up our stuff and getting ready to leave as the amublance arrived.
We headed back toward home and stopped at McDonalds and grabbed cokes and let the kids run around and play in the playland. The kids understood the kid was injured and possibly was going to die-but (thankfully--is it wrong to say that?) they were also kind of oblivious to how serious it was -- all that had happened. Anyway, they ran and played. I drank Diet Coke and keep singing from "Blessed Be Your Name" in my head...

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, LordStill I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your nameOn the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering Blessed be Your name

I believe the words of that song, so strongly. I do. But I don't understand. I don't understand pain. I don't understand suffering. I don't understand a young mother dying and leaving children. I dont' understand molested children. I don't understand cancer and babies with birth defects. I don't understand suffering and pain and hurt and the cries of a mother watching them bring her lifeless child to the surface.
But I understand God. In the very middle of the foggy haze of my limited human understanding, I know in my soul that God IS good. GOD IS GOOD. The world may not be good. The choices people make may not be good. The results of living in a world of sinful people may not be good. BUT GOD IS GOOD.
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say Blessed Be The Name of the Lord.