draped

Prancing around, flaunting the fashion...
the finest
the best...
in your own eyes
but much like the emperor,
you are naked...

but the lies you chose to believe
the stories you tell yourself
have you clothed
grandly.

ignore the pain
drown the sorrow
run from the reality

the cozy clothes of nakedly numb
fall so comfortably around
fit so well
the mirror of avoidance
perpetuates the lie
that
you
look
just
fine

fantastic even

only you don't feel fantastic
you don't feel
anything

so it's easier
to pretend
to model the latest fad of forgetting
anything
so that you don't have to dress...
in naked vulnerability...

so you'll swim in stagnant waters of a wounded soul...
you'll play at a game that you are bound to lose,
you'll settle for less
because it doesn't demand more...

and you'll believe
it's haute couture

but

there is a dressing room
where He waits...
and He wants to let you see,
that what is broken
can be beautiful.
what is battered
can be redeemed...
what you've cheaply traded...
He longs to restore.

The garment He wraps you in...
is just the right size...there is more than enough...

Grace

you wear it well...


Grace mixed with faith and love poured over me and into me. And all because of Jesus.

1 Timothy 1:14 The Message

The girl he raised...

I am the daughter of a preacher.

A Southern man.

Without airs and pretense, a firm believer in duct tape.

His collar blue, tinged with red.

The man that raised me, as you may have assumed, isn't a big fan of psychology and thus missed out on any realization that the right way to raise me was to hang on me the mantle of Princess.

My Daddy is a hard worker and balks at laziness...
It never occurred to him to let me be anything other than the girl he raised...

before my first manicure, I knew the value of putting your hands to work and finishing a job...
before ever relying on pilates, I knew the satisfaction that can only come from working your body physically to exhaustion and the strength that it builds...
before creams and potions littered my counter top , I knew the blush given by a day of working in the sun...

I never attended a cotillion....I wasn't introduced to society as a debutante...

I never lacked because I was equipped with the ethic to do what needs to be done. There is no job that is below my station and that beans and cornbread when eaten with a thankful heart-fills a part of your heart and soul that the most dignified palate fails to enjoy.

today I spent six hours working outside...
as I loaded and unloaded six truckloads full of limbs and brush. I thought a lot about the girl I am.

the girl that enjoys a pedicure, day at the spa and the salon that serves chilled water and wine...
the way twelve hundred count sheets feel against freshly showered skin...
the taste of Godiva...

is the same girl that can haul and carry fifty pound sacks of chicken feed and shoot a twelve gauge.

I don't fit a demographic or cast a glance down at those that might...

My lineage is the working class...

it's a privilege.


"That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on"

so long, self...

ever heard that song? So Long, Self by Mercy Me? No? Give it a listen. I've been singing it to me all day. :)

because today I have needed it. it seems saturday awoke, ready to trip me up...or either I wallowed around a bit this a.m. before realizing, ''uh, self...get over it.'' :)

But God ...see He is funnnnnnnnny and He keeps me humble.

This a.m. I may have sent an email to some friends lamenting various things in my life...one being...
my bad hair.
(my starting to grow out
was very dark brown
then lighter
then red
now red
with some blonde pulling through
oh wait
and then
the roots
where my REAL blonde hair is showing up and showing off at a good inch worth of growth)
hair.
oh and my bangs...remember I cut in bangs
and today
well I hate them too.

I am the very picture of vanity run a muck. :)

and tomorrow
(don't you dare.sing.Annie. to me...I may have bad red hair...but it ain't fuzzy today, at least!)

TOMORROW
I get to return to a former church my father pastored...
oh 21 years ago
when I was 16
and young
and untarnished by life
and funny
and blonde
really, truly, never met Miss Clariol at all
blonde

So
if you happen to be in LaGrange tomorrow
and you see someone clad in black
spackled in wrinkle cream
supported by Spanx
with very cutting edge roots on a fabulously bad color job...
that would be me...

But I got a pretty smile. :)


p.s. I have started back my Twitter account...mostly because, hmmm...i'm not really trying to trade distractions...mostly because twitter isn't a distraction at all...but it does allow me to spout off and share and catalog links and recipes and craft ideas and the like. It's like FB without interaction...hee :)

esoteric

this week I shared an email and in response was, ''you are having a most esoteric Lenten season'' :)

I would agree, in general, not just in terms of Lenten season...

it's friday. AE sits nearby styling a myriad of Barbies hair, the boys are huddled up in their room playing endless rounds of Fallout 3.

Pizza and cookies have been consumed, movies await.

and me...well, i'm finishing off day six of no Facebook. ...
was that my 'thing' I gave up for Lent?
the short answer, no. :)
dude, i'm baptist...we don't drink...we don't give up anything for Lent...
gosh. :)
(i kid, i kid...i mean we don't observe Lent...I was just being obnoxious in general and didn't want to offend. ...)


anyway, i digress...
I am taking, I suppose, a Spring Break... but that sounds so ..hmmm...I don't know. LOL I guess I really like FB, a lot. :) ... and I enjoy the conversations, the discussions, the post, the snark, the photos...the glimpses into others day to day. I like the interaction. Sue me. I don't feel like it's a huge time suck--UNLESS *I* allow it to be one. I don't play any games on FB. I take 45 seconds about 10 times a day (more or less) to post ''what's on my mind'' ... and then I flit around here and there seeing what's on other peoples minds. :)

You may not know this about me. I hear, well. My MIL-anyway, commented on this the other week when we were visiting...she and AE were in another room, I was busy in the kitchen and AE asked to do something and I said, ''no.'' MIL-anyway commented how I could hear... my kids can be in various conversations and I can follow along, while having my own... I don't know why-I don't think anything of it...it's just something I can do.

For me...lately, FB seems a bit noisy. Distracting. But it's NOT FB that is at fault. It's *meeeeeeeeeee* ... see, part of growing, changing, healing is hearing and listening. It should be noted that growing, changing and healing requires attention and stillness... so for me...a few weeks away from FB is just what my soul needs. I miss it like mad-and that is just the truth. :)

I am more than a teeny tiny bit excited that DST starts this weekend. Way more than a little. :)

I am in love with Skype, and talking to Mer in Germany.

I am also a wee bit addicted to Words with Friends. Wanna play? cjbrorsen = me :)

I have been reading a lot...various things...but reading & reading makes me happppppppy.

I had four packets of ranch dressing bust open in my purse-thanks to a kiddo that put them in there...so yeah...my purse smells of salad...nice :)

I currently have these lyrics stuck in my head:

"Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I'll need some information first.
Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts"

It's Texas Week...er, well Monday starts that...and what that means is a bazillion drunken teens and co-eds will invade South Padre Island in TX and well, yeah...they won't remember and they'll wish they wouldn't have and some will have the time of their lives...but this time of year always reminds me of living off HWY 100...the only road to South Padre and seeing the massive caravans of kids headed to the beach...

I did 150 step ups on a 12 inch step today...and walked 4 miles ... sometimes you have to work harder, because for a time you didn't work at all. :)

I have accepted that there are things that I will never, ever understand or wrap my mind around. However, it doesn't stop me from asking why or trying to make it make sense. :)

I watched the news this a.m. ... Japan. Sigh. I wonder if America realizes our blessedness...how we haven't dealt with such calamity. Tonight my heart hurts for the devastation and my prayers are heavy toward that country.

My parents house is almost done. I am so so so happy for them...for the memories they will make there-for the hard work my Daddy has done to make my Momma a home...for being able to share in their joy.

My friend Dana, her marriage makes me want to be married...the majority of other marriages make me contentedly single. :)

My birthday is less than 100 days away.
WOOT!

I have big hair tonight...AE and I did our spa night and well, ''beachy waves'' left me looking more like a reject from the ''miss i'm to old to be a contestant in the miss texas pageant'' hair :)

i want chocolate
and diet mt dew
neither of which are in my house.

i also want gas to be about 89¢ a gallon. :)
(I mean, really! )

and it's almost midnight (ok almost eleven...but tomorrow it will be practically time to change our clocks...so it's basically midnight tonight by tomorrow's standards. :) (ha!)

and with that I bid you happy weekend and good night.

esoteric?
yes!

The First Stone (archives)

2 "Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?" They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him. 6-8Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, "The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone." Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt. 9-10Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest. The woman was left alone. Jesus stood up and spoke to her. "Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?" 11"No one, Master." "Neither do I," said Jesus. "Go on your way. From now on, don't sin." (John 8...The Message)


she wasn't all cleaned up...
she wasn't the best society had to offer...
she was covered,
layers deep
in sin.

and really, who isn't?

oh,
don't look like that...
and whatever you do, don't dare throw on that jacket of ''in-sin-ability''
maybe, you cover yours well...
maybe, perhaps no one suspects...
maybe, just maybe
you haven't been caught, you haven't fallen short, you haven't been pulled into the center of town and put on display...

or maybe,
just maybe...
you don't even try to cover it...

regardless
it's the same
it's all the same-
sin

the godly of that day-ever on a mission to right the wrong
proudly drug her to Jesus...bowed out their chest, threw the ''rules'' at Him and then watched for His response...
they wanted justice
they wanted her to pay
...
oddly,
that crowd, was the precursor for today's church
and boy, have we carried on that tradition well...
got a little sin issue, we will point that right out for you...
struggling, we'll 'pray' for you and maybe you'll get that fixed...
you did what, AGAIN, really, AGAIN...you are taking that whole grace thing a little far, no?..

---
and where is Jesus in all of this?

read up there...

He was with the woman...
not with the holy guys, the mr. pointer outters of the sin

with the woman
listening to them...their accusations
and you know, He never said, ''hey lady, you are doing exactly right''
he never condoned her actions...
but
(hear this)
he stood by her
when the church didn't

...

why is it so easy to grip the stone, pose the throw...
why do we so easily attach ourselves to the wind up of the toss...
ready to drag them to Jesus, in their sin...

when as Christ followers...
OUR example
the one we follow

His hands held no stones...
His heart held no judgement...
His voice, asking the question that ours should echo...

''where are they...''

so, why not drop the rocks,
grip some grace,
hang on to some mercy
and love them
not because they are right

but

because He is...

Rememberance Stones

Rememberance Stones a photo by Kudzu and Koolaid on Flickr.

This is from the archives at Flickr...
but much the stirrings of my heart currently...
remembering
making a mark
...

Rememberance Stones
I have three boys and up until the third I had never really dealt with finding treasures in pants pockets.

I know it is not an uncommon thing with boys-they find things, they have treasures that need a home and so their pocket is the logical place.

Elijah, my third born is a pocket stuffer. He is funny the objects change, but he forever has a treasure in his pocket. For a while it was three small men that came with their mega sub set at Christmas. Then it was two rubber balls. There was the handless Anakin, the whistle/light from speech and most recently rocks.

He is funny. He wanted pants with pockets to sleep in so that he could have his treasures. LOL

Because of his latest love I have a collection beginning on my kitchen window sill. The big one on the bottom, he found on his way to speech Thursday, it's shaped like a heart & that find made him feel more than incredible. He.had.discoverd.a.heart.shaped.rock.!!

I love that kid-and all that he brings into our lives.

I'll remember...

Each of you heft a stone to your shoulder, a stone for each of the tribes of the People of Israel, so you'll have something later to mark the occasion. When your children ask you, 'What are these stones to you?' you'll say, 'The flow of the Jordan was stopped in front of the Chest of the Covenant of God as it crossed the Jordan—stopped in its tracks. These stones are a permanent memorial for the People of Israel.'" --The Message

Swirly...

my thoughts are swirly...this is what happens on long road trips.

oh that's right, you didn't know. :)

I returned yesterday from a long weekend trip to Texas. I took my kiddos to see their grandparents.

Long drives (peppered with ''turn the radio station...we've already heard that song fifteen times on the ipod...mom I need to pee...at the next rest area I want a snack from the snack box...are we out of Al...MS...LA...TX...yet'') always take me to a thinkerly place...700 miles of thinkerly & for someone that typically over thinks ANYWAY...well, yeah...swirly. :)

But today I am home. With semi ''sick'' kiddos. Ok...two of the four-but I think it's allergy/sinus...having driven through four states and experienced all their pollen produced yuck.

I am doing laundry. A lot of laundry.
I just took a picture that made me smile. The yellow bell is in full bloom and the sky is the most amazing shade of blue and the contrast between them...just beautiful.
I grocery shopped...pizza rolls are in the oven for lunch and for supper:

Capt Crunch chicken tenders with homemade honey mustard (only I omit the Dijon and add a dash of red pepper and no lemon juice) (Ritz crusted tenders for the adults)
Mac and cheese (8 oz of elbow mac boiled...butter (lots), flour to thicken...two cups of milk...four cups of cheese...bake off)
Squash (pan sauteed with onions)
fried corn (ae's request)
broc and cheese
biscuits

We are taking our ''winter break'' this week from school. Tonight we have a movie ... I considered making some brownies or...something...but I think they can just work on left overs from the snack box from when we traveled.

It's March...MARCH.
happycontentedsigh mmmmaaaarrrrccccchhhh
practically April
seemingly Spring
another winter, almost done
always the almost caveat...this is the South after all, land of the sneak attack March snow storm...
i hope...
against hope
that the lovely weather we've had for the last two weeks holds...
that winter tucks it long nights and short days away and that Spring kisses us with an early arrival...
but I cautiously hope
but HOPE
indeed
Spring is coming
Summer is near
*smile*

I had a talk with my MIL-anyway, (this is what you call your ex in-laws, that you are still close to, that refer to you as their daughter -in-law still, that keep you in the family and that love your kids like mad)...we were talking about people and how some people are what I deem ''buckets with a hole'' no matter what good your pour into them, no matter what idea you suggest, what you try...they always, always, always...ALWAYS have a reason it won't work. ''Buckets with a Hole'' wear you down and wear you out and tax every reserve you have... and something I realized...about ...ME....while I am NOT an obvious one...I am a subversive one and it's just as bad. (see I told you, thinkerly!)

I also thought a lot on Jesus and his treatment of Judas. Have you read the scripture...where Judas betrays Jesus with the kiss? Where Jesus KNEW (since He is ALL KNOWING and all) that he would be betrayed...knew it...KNEW IT .... and yet when Judas came to him, greeted him excitedly and kissed Him...Jesus just said, ''do what you've come to do.'' Everything in my nature fights that. I want Jesus to cut him off at the knees...to just SHOW HIM that sorry betrayer , pretending to be a friend...

but Jesus

I've been so challenged in my thinking of Jesus.
Of putting Jesus in the BOX
never, ever, ever, ever mistake that Jesus is just...
something is lost in our current culture of ''jesus is love, do what you wanna do''
because you miss a whole aspect of God in that thinking.
OH
Jesus loves...completely
but there is a VAST difference in acceptance and tolerance
Jesus accepts US as we are...loves us more than we can imagine...passionately pursues us...
BUT
His character...
He cannot tolerate lukewarm...you CANNOT live in opposition of God's word...rules ...statues and rest of the ''God loves me''
Oh He loves you...but he does not tolerate that, he can't...
(see thinkerly!)

ok and now it's time to reboot laundry
and walk a mile or six :)
happy thursday, yall! :)

a taste for more...(from the archives)

jacob and esau
you and i

day to day



choices



esau was hungry,

seemingly night unto death...

and for a bowl of soup

for the momentary satiation of his senses

the warmth in his belly

the feeling of full





he gave away forever...



the swirl of the spoon in the bowl,

a slurp of the simmering soup,

the enticing aroma

all promised him

contentment, satisfaction, bliss...



we hardly imagine that we'd so easily give up our forever...



until we do...



in that moment

we sit glutted

and our soul

growls

and the pain of empty in our belly

matches the pain in our heart

at the realization



that the morsel of the moment...

the forbidden fruit...

the tantilizing taste...

the second serving of selfish seeking...



has left us

looking into an bare bowl

and leading an empty life



the good thing about empty...

it is full of possibilities-



an empty cross, showed redemption

an empty tomb, promised hope

and a starving soul & empty bowl...the perfect placeholder for The Bread of Life



forever

i pray

i pray

... because my soul has this deep calling, this desire to be known
and the person who knows me best
the One that knows
every.
single.
fault.
and I have them. OH do I have them.

the person that knows
i'm jealous
judgmental
think bad things
say bad things
laugh at inappropriate things
do inappropriate things
gossips
lies
loses my temper
fails
falls
tempts
is tempted
have weaknesses that ensnare me, repeatedly

He knows
all the stuff about me...
all of it
and He still hangs around.

Because His love won't let go...
even when I run
when I hide
when I fall again
when i let Him down
when I do what I promise I won't
when I act
just
like
a
girl
robed in flesh

He loves me.

and he listens...
to me prattle on
and He knows I pray and am distracted by shiny
and He knows I am
His.

I find it easy to pray.
not because it's easy to do...
because admitting you've fallen short, again
is humbling.

but having Him there, standing ready to hold your hand,
makes me want to walk straighter
be better
be more

praying is the most holy of the daily mundane
i can cry out to my abba father
in the midst of crayolas and barbies
i can run to him ...as I run in circles through my day
i can ask for mercy
be granted grace
in the shower...as I scrub off the sludge of another day
my soul too, loses it's grime...
i can't wait to pray at the appropriate time-
i pray
with each breath

whispering hope


i pray
not because i have it all together
or am an example to follow
or even know what I am doing...

i pray
because of all that I am not
and all that I want to be...

prayer is my link to reality
it connects my faith driven spirit
to my impulse driven flesh
it balances out
my Apostle Peter mouth
with my Martha prone persona
and makes me accepted

by the ONE who matters most.

I pray
because it keeps me in communication
with the One who created me
to
be
exactly who I am...

gentle reminders

sometimes in the midst of bad parenting moments
i am humbled
tonight was one of those nights.

all of us, short on sleep from the night before, have been a bit testy today.
when you take five year old, high drama and mix it with lack of sleep...
you get five year old WAY HIGH DRAMA multiplied to the four hundredth power ...

so, after AE had directly disobeyed 3 times I sent her to brush her teeth and to bed
(because she needed bed..worn.out.frayed.emotions.put the child to bed)
I'll pause for a moment so you can, in your mind, work up the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth that accompanied this edict. :)

So she's in bed...
i'm cleaning the kitchen
and well
it's the drama
and here is the truth
drama
wears
me
out
but I also know
while it's not right or good...
when you reach a point of tired-
you are just tired
and it's not that you're not responsible for the drama
it's just...you are wound up in it by that point.

so I go back to her room and I remind her
as gently as you can
when you are also tired
from a day that did you...
that it was bedtime...

about ten minutes later the drama had died down
the kitchen was done
and I went to her room
she just wanted to tell the boys goodnight
but really
she just wanted to get up
but that was a no go
so tears

snubbing
real full on
emotional release
my body is so tired I cannot stand myself
crying

and she looked at me
and said
I CANNOT MAKE THIS STOP
please forgive me

and I sat there
a little stunned

and I snuggled her up to me and said, ''baby you were already forgiven''
and she pulled herself into me
and I sang over her...
the words of the old hymn altered
to pour truth all over her

oh how I love anna-elizabeth

oh how I love anna-elizabeth

oh how I love anna-elizabeth

because she is so sweet...

to me

she is so wonderful

and I love her

to me

she is so wonderful

and I love her

to me

she is

so wonderful

and I love her

because she is so sweet

and I sang

and I cried...

and her snubbing subsided

and she fell into a soft place of rest...

and I remembered my own day

that wasn't great, that chased me with reminders

...

and my questions that forever echo in my soul

and my wanting to know why

and my own drama

and tears

full on

emotional

i am at the end of myself

fits

and as I held her

HE held me

and sang...

grace mixed with faith and love, poured over me and into me, all because of Jesus

1 Timothy 1:14

Iridescent (instant replay, archiving purposes)

You're there again...




the feeling familiar and yet foreign

how did this happen,

it wasn't the plan...

the hurt

so deep

the pain


so fresh

the wound

open...

your marriage wasn't supposed to be one of those...

your baby... not healthy ???

your friendship, could sustain any storm (then why do you feel empty, with the unexplained departure)

your career...you were going places...

your family...why.can't.we.all.get.along....

your health...compromised

your innocence...taken

your dreams...mocked

your faith...shaken

your life...

You walk around a bit shellshocked. Wondering.

Why?

You just want some bit of it to make sense.

Some part of it...

any part of it...

When you were standing in the wake of devastation when you were waiting on the edge of the unknown with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now you were there and possibly alone. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation you build up hope, but failure's all you've known remember all the sadness and frustration and let it go, let it go. And in the burst of light that blinded every angel as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars you felt the gravity of temper grace falling into empty space no one there to catch you in their arms ...



You hear them speaking...

telling you to count it all joy...

telling you God makes no mistakes...


He'll never give you more than you can handle...


them

with their answers...

their pat

simple

sunday school

answers...

and you want to rail...

you want to scream...

you want someone

for ONE TIME

to not answer

with some 'perfect answer'

maybe a little admission

that

they don't understand either...


This is not the end This is not the beginning, Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision But you listen to the tone And the violet rhythm Though the words sound steady Something empty's within 'em We say Yeah! With fists flying up in the air Like we're holding onto something Thats invisible there, Cuz we're living at the mercy of The pain and the fear Until we dead it, Forget it, Let it all disappear.


You want someone

to be real...

not perfectly fixed...

not

so

unattainable...

because the hurt

oh the hurt

it bubbles up

it takes your breath...

and you try to hide it,

and you bury it

with stuff

(you know the stuff)

You say you're not going to fight Because no one will fight for you And you think there's not enough love And no one to give it to And you're sure you've hurt for so long You've got nothing left to lose So you say you're not going to fight Because no one will fight for you You say the weight of the world Has kept you from letting go And you think compassion's a flaw And you'll never let it show And you're sure you've hurt in a way That no one will ever know

you know what I love about Jesus

...

He chases you...

When you are bitterly angry...

when you hurl, tear streaked questions at a star strewn sky...

when you sit there...

your stomach hollow

from the punch life just dealt...

when you fall down,

again...

and this time, you can't get up.

HE sits down beside you...

He lets you rant...

He lets you cry...

He lets you question...

He lets you

BE

because see,

there was a garden,

there was a cup,

there was betrayal

there was hurt

there was disappointment

there was great sadness...

there was asking ...if there were any other way ...

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Matt. 26:39

and in the end...

there was the ultimate sacrafice.

Because HE knew...

one day you would hurt...

and it would break His heart...

but He knew in your brokeness...

you'd want someone to walk along side you...

someone that didn't hand out pat answers, all the while being The Answer...

someone who'd felt the cut, the pain...

someone who looked a lot like you...

only you,

covered in Grace...



God bless us everyone We're a broken people living under loaded gun And it can't be outfought It can't be outdone It can't out matched It can't be outrun ...




[all lyrics from Linkin Park]

hot [mixed up] mess

this is random
stream of consciousness
sort of. :)

i have lots on my mind-thus the not sleeping.
i do this
cycle of insomnia...stress/change/thinking always feeds into it...

I just looked I have eleven things written and in my drafts-hmmmm

I have a blog brewing based on a couple of songs...
and a discussion today on FB stirred the startings of another.

I wrote out family rules today.

I love my kids more than I ever knew you could love someone.

my hair is a hot mess
like different colors
hot mess
and I obviously care, or I wouldn't bring it up-kwim
lol
but it's fine. I'm not messing with it for a month...it gets a break-then a real person, with real skills shall work some magic :)

I have been working on a schedule for about two weeks now.
Being sick over Christmas break and then having snow/ice messed with my sleeping schedule and our schooling (some, not much-we totally did school during the snow week)

We are going to Houston at the end of Feb. The kids are so excited. They love hanging out with Poppa and LaLa. I am debating the route. The typical I-10 straight shot...or detour and go to New Orleans via Lake Pontchartrain. I am not a big fan of bridges-(only since having kids) it's not like a crazy fear...clearly or I wouldn't be contemplating this...lol. But it's only 15 miles difference in the two routes. In New Orleans there is The Creole Creamery and I love the history and architecture there. Since this in essence will be our Spring Break too, I am trying to make it fun along the way. We of course will do our regular stops at the Bass Pro Shops along the way (lol, it's Daniel's thing-for whatever reason-and it has become a tradition on road trips) In TX we shall get our fill of Whataburger (Elijah's thing). We will also be seeing friends along the way. It will be fun. :)

I am finishing up my first Stephen King book in over 20 years. I read IT, forever ago and it freaked me out. This book has totally redeemed Stephen in my eyes. :)

I am going to follow the lead of another blogging friend and open up the comments to questions and such. Something you want to know? Something you want to ask? Here is your chance. Hopefully this will lead to some blogging topics and consistency. :)

I really do thank yall for reading!

it's all in who you know...

his name was mephibosheth

imagine the nicknames he garnered



{what labels have they put on you}



he was dropped ...

and thus crippled



{what happened...that made you paralyzed}





King David... upon remembering with fondness his love of Jonathan wanted to do kindness to his family...



{the king}



and so they brought in Miphibosheth...

Jonathan's son



{it's who you know}



The king treated him as a son...

sat him at the table...



{undeserved mercy}





He was a kid, that was dropped. He was broken and had a funny name. His grandaddy was a tyrant...but his Daddy had a friend...and it was that line of connection in the end that brought Mephibosheth to the table of the King of Israel.



and now



we are

modern day Mephibosheths...



we are labeled

we are broken



our past may be littered with choices and decisions ...

but

we have a Friend

we have a connection




and He seats us at the table

and He makes us part of the family...

and He extends grace

shows kindness

he looked for you
sought you out
that makes you worthy
you caught His attention...
you have the eye of the King...



broken becomes beautiful



it's all in who you know...

What I know now...

that you can love ... deeply

that you can hurt...intensely

that you can question...repeatedly

that you may wonder...unceasingly

that your world can shift, your view can be distorted, your heart can rend, your soul can be utterly bruised...

you can feel like your faith is shaken to the very core

you can think yourself to blame
for all the reasons why.

but I've also come to know...

that sometimes
sometimes

it's ok

and ok
is
ok

and you don't have to explain
or make it make sense
or review
rewind
rethink

sometimes

you walk in fields of grace
that you would have never discovered
if the path youhad so faithfully trod
hadn't took an abrupt



drop

into where you are now


and you find

refreshingly

now
is exactly where you want to be...

rebuilding
sometimes tearing things down
makes them stronger.

thinkerly...

I'm a words girl. I've mentioned that here. I love quotes. From movies. From books. From people.

I'm reading through the bible this year with a group of girls. I am currently reading in Genesis about Jacob and Esau...and the thing I couldn't get away from after reading and realizing the older son always got a double portion was how that made The Prodigal Son parable take on a new meaning.

The older brother knew custom. He knew he was getting DOUBLE what his younger brother had gone out and wasted. But the older brother was so busy stewing, so busy fussing with the Father about how BAD the younger brother was...he couldn't enjoy his blessing HIS DOUBLE BLESSING.

It reminded me again of how we (*I*) am...
and it reminded me of this quote...

''When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us.'' --Alexander Graham Bell

Don't live a life of regret...of could have, should have, would have...don't wait to start...don't spend your days lamenting the choices of others...to the point that it robs you of the JOY of your blessings.

We get one shot, once chance.

Make it count.

Rebuilding [the series]

Every year, for the last...hmmmm...five years or so I've picked a theme for the new year...

this year my theme is rebuilding

and I'm not sure exactly what all that is going to cover, other than everything...but I'm pretty sure it will be blogged and so gets a series... :)

I have a lot going through my head, a lot of thoughts, ideas, ponderings and wonderings...

this was me::: three years ago (in red/glasses)




My life changed a lot three years ago. All of that is not for public consumption. That is not to sound vague, cryptic and hoity toity. There is just no need. If you want to know something, then take the private venue and ask, I do not hide my life, but I keep my private life private.



Also, this year is REbuilding. Regardless of why or how...I am where I am...and this year I am rebuilding ...the focus is not on the past...the focus the FOCUS is on REBUILDING.



This is me::: almost exactly two years later (the one not wearing the spunky headband *smiles*)


Clearly, there have been some changes around here...
outwardly
and
inwardly

but part of the rebuilding is repairing
my weight loss is almost done...I will reach my goal this year by my birthday (that would be June 7th for any of you that have somehow MISSED MY BIRTHDAY)
but my body shows the scars and damage of time of neglect
I am not going for perfect
I am going to the best I can be...

one thing I've learned in this time is that...

sometimes you have to work harder, because you didn't work at all for a while

I'm almost 40. Every step of this journey in being a healthier me has been hard. But you know what...I am willing to walk more, run even. I am willing to do leg work, push ups, lunges, lift, pilates...I am willing to do the EXTRA work...

because something that I am beginning to glimpse is that in doing the work...in reaching toward you goal...you change the outside (yes!) but the inside, OH the inside gets shifted too. You rebuild the outside and all the while God is doing a work on the inside.

I have goals. Vain goals ... that I want to reach. And it is going to take a lot of work. Not because the goals are far fetched...but because for a long time, I didn't do the work.

it's easier not to...it's always easier not to

but doing the work...

the day to day, meeting the goal-the promise you've made to yourself,

makes the hard part, easier.

Here's to rebuilding...

all things new.

Glory, Glory to ol Auburn ...

I was six when the line was drawn in the sand.

My family had moved to the great state of Alabama. My Dad, a pastor, had taken his first church in a town outside of Birmingham.

I was in a male dominated household. There wasn't a lot (or you know, any...) synchronized swimming, gymnastics or ice dancing viewed at our house.

There was college football, professional football and baseball ... which took us into the next football season...

We moved to an enclave that was Crimson.

All fans have a team...
In Alabama, a team has you.

It became necessary to pledge an allegiance.
and surrounded by ones that near worshipped Bear Bryant...
I was challenged... to a point of decision.

My brothers were older and their teams already decided. That Fall was not a watermark moment for them, firm supporters of the SEC they already loved their teams. Georgia, our hearts home, was my youngest brothers passion. Alabama, our new home, got my oldest brothers cheers. My Daddy rounded things out with a hat tip to the ACC and his loyalty went to Georgia Tech.

I remember being told, ''you will like Alabama.''
and that settled it.

In an act of rebellion, I cast my lot with Auburn.

On that day, a fan was born.

And for the last thirty years what started as a childish, 'oh I'll like them to spite you' has turned into the reason I look forward to Fall.

I'm a girl. I've never played football. I can't relate to the feeling of walking into a field house or walking through a tunnel. The knock of the shoulder pads. The smell of a new football. The passion of being on the field, a part of sixty minutes, that become a part of the best memories of your life.

All that I may have been denied.

But I can tell you that I have walked through seasons of sadness, losses and sanctions. There have been Saturdays that I have danced in utter delight. I've needed talked down and I've talked smack. I've berated bad calls and been thankful to be on the receiving end of reviews that turned the game. I've wanted to throw things at the television, I've wanted to throw my hands up in obnoxious victory chants.

Along the way. The fan fell in love.

And Monday
The National Championship.

The sound that starts as a low rumble in The Plains, grows to a resounding timbre crossing the dessert...

the battle cry....

WAR EAGLE

All fans have a team...
In Alabama, a team has you.

Good luck to the Mighty Tigers of Auburn University.

the importance of being earn...er, um, naked

being naked reduces you...

there is nothing to hide ...
what we disguise with fashion,
naked renders fully visable
most of the time in harsh light...

naked
exposed
vulnerable
honest

honest.

the reason we like clothes
it hides the flaws
the imperfections...
we can accessorize and distract
highlight the strong points...

we can never let you know
what's underneath...

but at some point, you find yourself

naked

and that leads you to the hard part

rejection

there, honest...

no one
NO ONE
wants to be rejected

and so, at the risk of closing ourselves off...
of not being real with anyone
we will plug in...but not all the way...
we will offer superficial presence
but nothing beyond...
we will

do anything
except

be real.

because real, makes us vulnerable, vulnerable makes us naked
and naked means you can walk away-because you could handle the cute outfit
but not
the person
the real, broken, scarred
person wearing it...

to become vulnerable...
is for some the hardest thing
(ask me how I know...)

because see, once you know something...
you can't unknow it...

and once you know it
what if
it's too much...

and so we retreat
we project this idea of wholeness
of having it together
of being in command
and we
are alone

but *they* can't walk away
because *they* don't know...

all dressed up
with no one

heart tenderly wrapped in a scarf...

the risk of unwrapping
is huge

but we were made, by the master creator, to need each other...

that doesn't mean you expose and spill to everyone,
you can guard your heart
without walling it up...

but
(and this i know, i live it, daily)
when you find that place
where you can shed the layers...
where you strip off the blouse
(and the lycra shaper, that's keeping everything smooth)
when you stand there
bumps and bulges
exposed

and look to find
you are surrounded by others
who've dropped the facade
and reflect
not perfection
but
acceptance.

acceptance that was there all along...
because
we're all broken
and we need help, carrying the pieces

so
will you...
drop the scarf?

tap...tap...is this thing on???

(the one where I ramble, and spill ideas and plans and goals...and circle around themes and topics...and chase trails ...and hardly make sense at all...)



so

happy new year!

woo hoo



2011...rocket cars and all that :)



i can't say 2010 was bad...

it wasn't

but it wasn't good

either

and the only way I know to describe it is

um

hmmmm

I don't know...



it felt (in retrospect)

like that year of...

almost?



and that sounds far heavier than the year deserves...



it was the first year I was divorced...

it was the second year I was separated...

it was the year that I went on a date...or two...

it was the year my best friend moved a million miles away...

it was the year friendships were rejected-unexplained and painfully so...

it was the year of God showing off...gifting my children with trips to the beach...six flags...sea world...

it was the year of really, really hard spiritual lessons...

it was the year of praying, standing in the gap, anyway-even when the prayers seem devoid of strength or distance beyond the whisper of the words...

the year, i admitted to wanting to write...at least to myself...

it was the year I was a little more transparent...

it was the year I was gifted with reconciliation...and the gift of that...even now, makes me cry.

the year I fell in love with cloud pictures, again, just like when I was five

it was the year I looked UP a lot, because I had to...

to breathe...

a lot of days felt hard

heavy with expectation

change

hurt

disappointment



I did a lot of growing in 2010

and I felt ...kind of like the hebrew children

and like I did a lot of walking in circles...

by my own doing.



and now it's done

it will never be 2010 again...

i don't miss it...

but I miss what I missed it in...when I was too busy being bogged down with the other...



but you know

now

it's 2011



and this year



my theme

is rebuilding



and it literally encompasses every.stinking.area.of.my.life...



and the shell of potential of what coulda/shoulda/woulda been in 2010 is empty...

and to look back at it...to analyze or question or lament or give it anymore attention...just robs me of today.



2010...is done.

i will take the graces it gave me and treasure them as the gifts they are...

i will take the hurt and hard lessons and apply them to wisdom...letting them help me to be better...



because 2011 is here...

the foundation is laid

i will not repine...

i will not lament...

i will not give strength or power

to people or situations...

that is just unfocused energy...

energy that is going to be honed this year

aimed

directed

it's the year of possiblities



possibly anything can happen



i

can't

wait...



surprises are my favorite thing

expectation makes me giddy

(and one goal...met...to stop using FB as my 'crutch' it is far too easy for me to blog/superficially post and such without really plugging in...putting forth the effort. So today...I blog...on my...blog. it was painless, imagine that. :)

happy new year

friends!