Where is the dreamer...

Here comes that dreamer...let's kill him, throw him into one of these cisterns and say that an animal devoured him, then we'll see what becomes of his dreams....

Gen. 37:19

Did you read that verse?

Now, no one would argue Joesph was a bit of a brat and a braggart with his dreams and all...

but can you imagine your brothers plotting against you, selling you into slavery, putting you in the way of suffering and troubles...

Joseph was a little tainted and frustrated against them

ANGRY

{and probably asked WHY...do you ask why? do you see the stuff happening around you, in your life and just want to scream WHY WHY WHY WHY... I do...oh I do...}

The thing about life, Joseph's or mine (or yours...) circumstances will make us angry...they will break our hearts, they will knock the breath from us...

we'll wonder,

we'll question,

we just want to know why

and we'll be angry

and we have to decide

(we always have to decide)

what are we going to do with that angst, that fire in the pit of our stomach, that need.to.just.punch.something. ...

we can hold it

we can clinch our fist, our nails can dig into our flesh, the veins popping for the tension of holding.on...

see if your hand is clasped (a picture of us ...holding our anger...)

you are imprisoned

because you are angry alright...

(and YOU MAY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE...life sometimes simply stinks)

you are holding on, clutching, occupied,

limited

isolated

but

if you open your hand

it's free

you can pick up,

create,

control,

choose,

what to do with your hand...

holding on the the anger

FEELS RIGHT

but it's a prison

opening up your hand

letting it go

that's harder

but look

now

your hands are empty

free

touch some possibilities

clasp some forgiveness

go ahead...

what they meant for evil in Joseph's life...God meant for good

for good

it's all going to be good

all.

going.

to.

be.

good.

now,

scoop up some grace

let it slip through your fingers like sand

and see

just see

what becomes of your dreams...

Come to the party...

lately i've been reading and rereading the prodigal son...

you know the parable, right?

a man had two sons, the younger one ask for his portion, the father gives it to him, he squanders it with wild living, he loses it all and finds himself feeding pigs and wanting their scraps to eat, he remembers his Daddy, decides to go home, the Daddy sees him coming and prepares for a party to celebrate, the older brother gets a little put off, whines and pouts and acts like me...

(you can read it HERE )

i've read this countless times and heard sermons on it my whole life...
but the truth of it,
is falling kind of fresh.
maybe I just need to be reminded...

my favorite portion of that whole parable
the verse ... where the younger son...the one that went his own way, wasted his fortune...
it says...

"when he came to his senses''

this parable is such a picture
of humanity
of our nature

as i read, each player spoke to me--but it was the older brother that I thought about

a lot

see,
his brother went off
wasted all his money
on
partying
women
living in a way that left him excessively empty
and THEN he decided to come back home

when the daddy saw that boy coming
he was
elated
he called for the servants to
put on a party

and the older brother?
he got a little put out (or you know...ANGRY if we stay true to scripture)
he sat and thought of all he'd done right...
he'd stayed with his daddy...
he'd worked and lived right...
he'd honored his raising...
and he'd never gotten a party
(whiny pouty crybaby)

i love how it's worded, when the daddy kinda sets him in place...
''be WE had to celebrate and be glad''
(in other words...get over yourself, refocus boy...WE have to celebrate...your brother is HOME!)

it's hard ...
the human nature in us
likes to see you get what's coming to you...
but it's kinda crazy...
we want grace for us
but justice for ''them''
we want to remind God of all the good we've done
and WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT THEM GOD...
do you SEE what they are doing????
can you BELIEVE the choices they are making????
how can they DO THAT????

and then it kinda hits us
we are 'them'
we all are...
in our own way

we are them

the daddy was never happy with the younger sons choices
it broke his heart to think of his son
living below what he was worth...
but you know what

you can know something

but until THEY know it
until it BECOMES TRUTH TO THEM
it won't matter to them...

the younger son
oh
he just wanted to
LIVE
be his own man

the older son
oh
he just wanted to
MATTER

the daddy
oh
the daddy
he just wanted both his boys
to party
because
the younger was HOME
the older ALWAYS had been
and they both
had to realize the TRUTH
for them to 'come to their senses'
to know
whose they were...
and what was theirs ALL ALONG

and that
home is where the heart is
and your heart will never
be happy
anywhere else

so come on home
there is a party waiting for you

come to your senses...

Land that I love

Land that I love
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

i am free

but not without cost...
men and women, both brave and frightened

crossed and ocean
and set forth on this continent
a new nation...
my nation.

the struggle,
the hardships,
the plight
all carved the path
so that today, I walk around

free

and from battlefields
among fallen bands of brothers
from jungles
deserts
watery graves
and the mountains of Iwo Jima-
flag waving, proclaiming proudly

your gift is freedom

she welcomes them
tired and poor
those yearning to be free

free to...
say
do
be
think
believe...

even if it opposes the very essence of what our country was founded upon...

free
means
free

and i am thankful

in my sights
a lady greets me
beautifully aged
gracefully carrying herself
as only one who has watched her children grow...
some to make her proud,
other to make her question her abilities,
can walk.

she embraces me
and she whispers...

Freedom
my gift to you is
Freedom

-cjb

Happy Birthday, America

Christmas doesn't really work out for me...

{yesterday was free movie day at our local theater...they were showing The Polar Express. (woot woot woot...one of my favorite modern Christmas movies) If you've read here, much at all, you know that I pull spiritual parallels from lots of daily doings. The Polar Express is no different. :) I actually blogged before, a few yrs ago about it...but, yesterday, it hit me differently}

Have you seen The Polar Express?

The kid no longer hears the bell, but so badly wants to...

he is taken on this fantastic journey to the North Pole via The Polar Express where there are friends, and fun hot chocolate dancing men, a wise and savvy conductor, a sage hobo and ultimately Santa Claus...

and in the end
he hears the bells. :)

But the stories within...the bits of truth, or what I received as truth are what make me love this movie...

there is a kid, you understand a poorer kid...that life hasn't always been rosy for...
he's the last stop on the way to the North Pole...
hair askew
confidence lacking
he separates himself from the group
sitting in a different car
...
at one point when he is sought out and asked about the trip and Christmas and the like
he responds,
''christmas has never really worked out for me''

scramble up some letters
and there is something ...

''Christians have never really worked out for me''

Sometimes, as a Christian I am so ashamed of how ''we'' act...
and the stuff we peddle...
we will judge
and speak harshly
and then blanket it over by saying,
'oh i'm not perfect, just forgiven.'

really?

cause you sound a little self righteous
to me

(and I sound a little self righteous to me, a lot...lest you think I am pointing anywhere other than myself)

it truly breaks my heart
at how
we have a world of people
people who are hungry
for love
acceptance
truth
for something real

and they fill that void
that need
with EVERYTHING
other than what will truly fill it...

because the people that represent
what they need
are such
bad
representatives

we are so redeemed
so holy
so fixed
that we put out there
this idea
that we have attained
and maybe,
just maybe
if you'll work really hard
and be really different
and
and
and
then you too can be loved by Christ...

and God's heart breaks into a million pieces

God is holy
and righteous
never, ever mistake that...

but God
met people where they were
and he LOVED them
and he accepted them
and HE changed them...

that Christian thing doesn't work out for them...
because of us...

but the movie
and people give me hope...

after going to the North Pole and seeing his gift, the boy that Christmas has just never worked out for ...in his heart took root and in his countenance you see a bit of belief...

and upon returning to his home, he goes into the house, discovers the gift he'd seen at the North Pole and runs to the porch to show his friends still on the train...

and the response, whispered between them was, ''it's amazing...''

Oh, if we can ever love people, really...really...really love people. If we can love them where they are, and show them true concern and compassion. If we can ever
really
be
Jesus
to this world

you'd see the change in them...
they would run out, carrying the gift

....

it's amazing!

threads showing...

I took my truck to have the front end aligned the other day.

I knew I needed tires, both my Daddy and my brother had pointed that out to me...

but my daddy said to get the front end aligned
so, because I'm super obedient (HA!) I did that first. :)

I took it to the shop where they did their thing and the man walked out, slip in hand and proceeded to talk to me.

On the slip I see ...

''needs four tires...
NEEDS two front tires-threads are showing interior''

The man then tells me about needing tires and explains that the interior front tires have threads showing and he says they can blow out and you'll have a lot of body damage-so I needed to take care of that.

The tires, when you look at my truck...don't look dangerous...
why?
because it's the interior
(but the damage is there...)
the threads are showing...
the potential for a blow out
is
right
there
and the results of a blow out
damage
lots
and lots
and lots of
body damage...

now if you know me,
you know
YOU JUST KNOW
that God used that practical conversation to speak to my heart
(cause God fully understands me...lol and how simple He has to keep it!)

is that not a picture of us?

so often we look
OK

but the threads are showing
the damage is there
ON THE INTERIOR

and we are walking around
'driving' on borrowed treads
just edging on a blow out

and when the blow out comes
and it will...
anytime our 'interior' (our heart)
isn't kept
anytime we 'drive' around
finding our own way
finding our our route
driving any distance to seek our fill
doing doughnuts in the parking lot of self...
we are just dancing with a blow out...
tires and our Spirit can only handle so much wear and tear...before
the blow out...

we can avoid the damage...
our alignment may get out of whack...
our tires may show thread...
but we don't have to go and go and go until
the blow out

we can stop
park
rest
and let Him make all things new...

brand new day
brand new grace
brand new tires

drive

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

the sick edition

Me too...

I see the lip poke out...

the eyes gloss over, tears ready to spill...

and then,

"but that's not how I wanted that to happen.''

bitter disappointment
in a four year old world...

I can identify with my girlie...
I was handed a dose of disappointment recently
and I'd have to say my reaction,
pretty much mirrored my baby girl.

our expectations
oh
our
expectations...

they will set us up, every time...

we will believe the best
we will accept less
we will pretend something doesn't matter
we will allow ourselves to settle
we will hope against hope

and we will be disappointed

and the sting

ouch

the realization, that we set ourselves up for it
again...

it's a hard thing
disappointment

I told my girl.
"that's not what you wanted to happen, I know, but it is what happened SO now, what are you going to do???"

we are not promised to not be disappointed
or hurt

but we can decide how to deal with those things...

we can chose to close ourselves off
and protect ourselves

or we can trust
that love is never wasted...
chances are worth taking...
God redeems...

beauty for ashes
strength for fear
gladness for morning
peace for despair

it's worth it, baby girl.
i'll always believe it's worth it.

I just call him Daddy...

I'm 37 and I call him Daddy...
always Daddy...
never Dad
Father
or Pop

Daddy

we share traits
that man that I call Daddy...
our hands
fingertips upturned
and we typically say what we think, sometimes without enough thought...

he was the provider of lemon drops and sprite
and prizes
and what I imagined to be the strongest arms in the world

he is funny
and loves to get something on you
and drive it in the ground
or just drive you crazy with it...

he's a reader
history
biographies
bible

he's sincerely the most unpretentious person I know
your stature doesn't effect him...
because before it's all said and done,
he's gonna ask if you know Jesus...

he loves Jesus
with a love that only rivals that of the love he has for my Mom.

he has faults
and shortcomings

he's far from perfect

but the man that I call Daddy
makes it easy
to believe in another Man , Abba Father

Thank you Daddy, for being such an example to me
of Jesus
and how to be Jesus.

Happy Father's Day!

paralyzed potential

i have a kiddo
he's awesome
he's smart
he's funny
he's type a
he's exactly as God intended

(cause God doesn't make junk!)

this kid
though
if given the chance
will bear burdens
and carry worries
and walk in fear
and fret
and rob himself of
being
you know
a K-I-D

and it is a very frustrating thing as a parent
frustrating and heartbreaking
to watch your child
take on
something
to carry something
that isn't his to carry

God gave me a teachable moment today
you know
where HE taught ME
even though I thought I was teaching the kid...

God is good...
He is...
He knew us before we were born...
he pulled the DNA together,
heck, He put the markers on the DNA
before he pulled it together
He KNOWS US
our quirks
our desires
our tics
our weaknesses
our faults
our failures
our sins...

He knows it all...
and He created us anyway,
individually
designed
in HIS image
truly
designed and carried out
because HE DEEMED US WORTH IT
anyway
even with our ''issues''

but see,
here is where my kiddo runs into trouble
and where I run into trouble
and I'll be so bold as to say where YOU also run into trouble...

we don't believe the TRUTH
we fall for those other voices...
the ones that call out to us,
we give them more power, more credence, more strength
than we give
to the VOICE that called the very universe into existence...

See, Satan is STRONG and POWERFUL
and don't ever, for ONE second believe otherwise...
and he is smart...and subtle...and the king of deception...
his game he runs?
he takes the truth, puts a little spin of distortion and then grinds it in...
hard...

my boy
worries about something happening
someone missing
someone being hurt...

those attributes are good...
in that they make him a good leader,
he's weighs choices and decisions...

but you take those qualities
put a little spin on them
and you have a kid
that is robbed of enjoying a theme park, because he is overwhelmed by fear of someone taking a sibling
or a ride not working correctly...
you have a kid
paralyzed
by
fear

this morning, we met those fears head to head...
i reminded him
God KNEW when He created him that he would be natured the way he was...
that he would love dr. pepper with no ice,
that he didn't like condiments with his food,
that he liked things 'just so'
that he liked to take care of things/people, liked to know where things were...
I reminded him that God knew each and every quirk he had and that not only that, that God had DONE THE WIRING to make him that way...

but I also told him
Satan knew those things...and Satan's tool, Satan's game is to play on our weakness...
Satan always distorts truth...
he takes what God make...twists it...
he takes my kiddos inclination to want to know everything/everyone is ok
and takes it to the nth power to the point where he is in tears, worried...scared...

do you see that...
i'll tell you just as i told him
that feeling
that tightness in your chest...
that yucky feeling in your stomach...
that heavy weight on your heart...
that fear that you carry like a backpack...
all.
satan's
lies...

because God's desire is what?

JOY and that we may have it ABUNDANTLY...

if Satan can whisper in our ear...make us think we are unworthy...our choices have been so blown...our sin was too big...our mistakes TOO bad...if he can keep us weighed down with that defeat ...then what?... we are NOT JOYFUL and he gets to do a little dance of victory...

I also reminded that kid of mine...that TRUTH says...

we are not given a spirit of fear...but of POWER and LOVE and of a SOUND MIND...

satan attacks our thought life
our emotions
he makes us feel lonely and scared
then he full on attacks us...
hit us with unworthiness and fear
and reminds us
of all we've done

until we are curled up
in fetal postion
crying
because we are scared
that someone is missing...

oh but Y'ALL

this is the good part...

The Voice of Truth, tells me a different story...
The Voice of Truth, says do not be afraid...
The Voice of Truth, says this is for my glory...
out of all the voices calling out to me...
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth...
(casting crowns, 'voice of truth')

just as I told my kiddo
that moment
when you feel that
fear
worry
creeping up
when satan starts reminding you and bombarding you
you stop
and you say
THAT IS NOT THE TRUTH

(whispers) cause it's NOT

and when Satan presses in harder, pushing all your buttons and emotions
you press back and say THAT IS NOT TRUTH

and at the very point, where you think it's too much, you are too tired, you are too scared, too worried, too frightened

THAT IS NOT THE TRUTH

THAT
IS
NOT
THE
TRUTH

Jehovah Jireh ...the God who will provide a way...
will indeed provide a way

The Voice of Truth

tells me a different story...
and you a different story...

listen and believe

The Voice of Truth

Finding their way...

We have new chickens...

six sweet baby chicks.

this morning, I sat at the chicken pen (what? it's part of the glamour of my life *smiles*) watching...

we have two laying hens (Scarlett and Mammy) and a rooster (why, Rhett Butler, of course!) there are six pre teens (heh) let's call them the Brat Pack...and yesterday we added the six babies (as of yet, unnamed...)

the 'gone with the pen' crew along with the 'brat pack' were out doing their thing this morning...scratching, pecking, rhett greeting the morning and the girls strolling around the pen occasionally sticking their neck out for some grass...

the new crew...
in the coop...
huddled

in the midst of all of that

a beautiful cardinal, came by for a picnic with the fowl

i sat there, watching it all...

all in the same pen, all doing the same thing...these older chickens strutting and eating...this cardinal dropping by for a morsel...

and these babies, on occasion, hopping a few steps over the threshold of the coop for a bit of crumble and scratch (that comes in 50 lbs bags (each!) that I also unload and take to the pen-you know in case you've forgotten my glamorous life...hee!)

i thought about how i am so often represented by the chickens...
how sometimes
i'm just chicken ...
scared...
i have every right to be out in the pen
with the big chicks
and the beautiful bird...

but
i'm kinda like the babies
this life
it's new
these surroundings
different
this coop
unfamiliar

i'm finding my way.

Covered...

*A bird is mired in oil on the beach at East Grand Terre Island along the Louisiana coast on Thursday, June 3, 2010. (AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)



The Gulf Oil Spill, what a catastrophe...
what a picture
of
me.

What a picture of life.

Our hearts, our hurts ...
buried deep
but there is a hole in our core
just like there is a hole in the earth
and just as the oil gushes out, even now...
eventually life is too much
the days are too heavy
the stuff
too
much
and out it comes...

life--
all
over
us

and we are covered
weighted down
by
cares
and hurts
and worries
and problems
and issues...

we sit
feeling the sludge
we sit
so very burdened
we sit
all is miry
dark
dense
heavy
we are covered
in
yuck

and there is no fast solution
because that hole in our core
it's always going to be there...

our heart
is always going to be available to be bruised,
again...

our rescue
is that One that promises to wash us and make us whiter than snow...
the One that promises to stick closer than a brother...
the One who was betrayed by his friends...
the One who on the darkest day in history,
forgave...
so that we,
even sitting in sludge of our own creation,
can cry out and say,
"help''

and with hands gentle but firm,
He picks us up...
he wipes us down,
he washes us off,
and he makes us clean...

and He gives us a Comforter...
because He knows what it's like
to be in the sludge
he fought His way out of it...so that He could pull us out too!

He's got us covered.

Natalie Rose "Nattie" York

Natalie Rose "Nattie" York
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

Three years.

Three.

Somehow I keep waiting for her to shoot an email from the library saying her internet will be back up soon.

I want to hear her review Twilight and Light From Heaven.

I want to hear her refer to the "hobbit house"

I want to laugh when she has to wash dishes in the bathtub.

I want to be frustrated with her again...

I want Jonathan to know his mom was full of life and fun and faith ...

I want Anna to know her Mother was a picture of grace under fire, of God's handiwork, that her beauty ran as deep as her flaws.

I want you to know there once graced this planet a lady ...
who touched my life in ways I cannot explain.
Her life was not easy, but her faith
was
She simply believed
HE
was
"more than enough"


Nattie Pie.
I love you more than chocolate.
I miss you more than air.

p.s. i still am not over you stealing my glory by dying on my birthday--i'm working through it... :) <3

"Hope.... sometimes it is blinding like the spring sunshine. Sometimes it is a gentle warmth that comes with kind words. Sometimes it washes over you like waves in the ocean and sometimes it just envelopes you slowly. Sometimes it is like water in a dry land, but it is there if you look for it." --Nattie Rose York
December 15, 1973 - June 7, 2007

Commanded to ... love

it's easy to love
when others are doing as you think they should...
when they are on the same page with you,
talking like you,
living like you,
worshipping like you...
when it's easy though,
is it really love?
or is it just agreement (kwim?)

are we not truly showing love
true love

when we look at those that make choices that make us shake our head...
that choose behaviors that damn them to consequences that will cost them far more than they want to pay,
when they are hurtful,
selfish,
and self centered...

we have this thinking, thinking...this tough love
we rehabilitate enablers (hee)
we want people to know they can't just treat people any ol' way and continue to benefit...

I won't disagree-
I think there are boundaries
absolutely
I think you can lose yourself and any good you can do
when you let yourself be lost in someone else and their baggage...

but again in balance
I think we have to look to Jesus.

what was his example...
he said do well to them that hurt you and use you.

[But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. Matt. 5:44]

that verse goes against all our natural thinking...I mean really, who is going to volunteer to let someone hurt them, over and over...but the key is it doesn't so much say continue to let them hurt you...it says to PRAY for them. That doesn't mean you have to continually put yourself in the path of their hurt, however, what I find so interesting is that when you are praying for someone, your heart is kept tender toward them.

God wants what is best for us...He in no way wants us to be a doormat-I in no way think that is His design...

I do think He wants use to be ''Jesus mats''... I think loving like Jesus loves ...I mean really, look at how he met people where they were, how he touched their lives, ministered to their needs, healed their hurts...study through his examples--does that not challenge you (me!) in how we are loving others...

Finding the balance is not easy...
but loving
truly loving like Jesus
loving when it hurts
when you feel foolish
when it's not returned because they aren't at a place where they can...
being Jesus
that is when

our hearts are renewed
we mount up with wings as eagles
we run and not go weary
we walk and won't faint*

love

it really is all about love

*(Isaiah 40:31)

The Summer Project...

I know I mentioned my summer plans/goals in a previous post. Those still stand. I have been thinking though and am elaborating a bit.

Photographs...lots of them (not of me...bwhahahahaha!) I want to make it a daily goal to take photos, to capture the day...still thinking this one through...

journal...family style...I want to record, probably weekly where we are and what we are doing...

weekly field trip...and that may mean, not leaving the house--like one night I want to do a picnic under the stars...finding constallations and shooting stars. :) (but making a point to once a week, do something not screen related...memory making)

read aloud...did I put this on my other list? I think I did. I think we are rereading The Chronicles of Narnia...maybe...

Latin word of the week...heh, yes, I do think so...we have "Latin From The Roots Up'' we are going to introduce it next year...but I'm thinking maybe we do a word of the week for the summer too...maybe?

I'll probably tweak this a bit more as I work/think on it this week--next week is kick off. :)

What they became {memorial day}

Land that I love
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

They didn't set out to be remembered...
they didn't want to stand as the symbol of the cost of war...
they were young kids
idealistic
with a love for their country
that drove them
...
into deserts
and jungles
edges of oceans
and into countries so far from the one they loved...

they didn't want to be remembered
they wanted
to come home,
they wanted football on Saturdays,
to tool around town with their buddies,
to kiss their girl
and Momma's pie on Sunday...

they didn't want to be thousands of miles away...
with cramped quarters
sticky and hot
foreign smells
little comforts...

they didn't want to watch their youthful ideas disappear
as they watched the life ebb from the bodies of their friends
there with them
in this place so far away from what they did want...

they didn't set out to be remembered
they set out to be soldiers...

and in strapping on their boots
ones that ultimately stood empty accompanied by their gun

they will forever be remembered
for what they became...

HEROES

thank you to every man and woman that has bravely worn a uniform, deployed and didn't come home...my heart is forever thankful for you ...

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made so and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."
~John Stuart Mill

You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man's freedom. You can only be free if I am free.--Clarence Darrow

skimming the surface

Do you remember the story of the setting up of the pool last year?

(i'll give you a minute to read it)

Last year...the pool nightmare...
that whole thing
was replaced, this year...
with ease.

(oh you know this has a BUT)

We got a new pool this year. Same style...but we already had the platform and all that was needed was ten bags of sand to balance out one side. The sand went down, the pool went up LITERALLY like magic.

Only, I've noticed ''stuff'' in the pool...you know, stuff, bugs and grass and general typical pool stuff. I checked the filter and replaced it Sunday night-only to go out there today before we had friends coming over to see, um, stuff.

I checked the pump, fiddled, reloaded with cholorine and then checked the filter.

The pump was working...the water was cycling...the cholorine was balanced...

the fliter

YUCK.

So I'm skimming off ''stuff''

and God kinda peeled a layer off of me.

I'm a lot like our pool.

I have a good foundation, pretty leveled up, after a lot of work in the last year.
But my heart...
my fliter...
sometimes is YUCK.
Even if every other system is working
if your heart is off...
if effects the whole deal.

Our pool...everything was running...
but there was still stuff on the surface of the pool...
and guess what
there was more ''stuff''
but it has settled on the bottom.
I got AE to get in and walk around to 'stir it up'
so I could skim it off.

Our hearts are our filters...
we have to guard them
tenderly
we have to take care of our hearts
we have to surround ourselves with people who want the best for us
who love us
who with fight for us and with us
who will hold our hearts
for us.

When we neglect to care for our hearts
our fliters
it's going to show...
there's going to be stuff
on the surface
and you'll have to skim it all off...
but you know what,
there's also going to be stuff on the bottom, things you've ''stuffed'' and tucked away and pushed aside...
and it needs to be stirred up...
it needs to be brought to the surface too...
and skimmed off...

clean

a pure heart

tend it well

out of your heart springs EVERY(thought,action, belief) thing in life
guard it

things making me happy...

FridayFelicities
Originally uploaded by joymombecky

*sleeping in...in the rain

*crocheting

*coffee with french vanilla creamer

*friends that make me laugh, when laughter is hard to come by

*text that make me smile

*summer almost being here

*my kids-my amazing kids

What's making you happy today? Find some happy, roll around in it. :)

I miss you, still, Nattie!

anyway...

last night the sermon at church was on...mercy, forgivness and grace...

in the last few days I'd read the following over at Janet's blog ...

God always has perfect timing--speaking to my heart and what I need to be reminded of...

He's good like that. :)

The Paradoxical Commandments

by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

© 1968, 2001 Kent M. Keith

Today is Thursday...

day one

(what do you mean by day one, cheri???)

well I've been walking, still
but my eating
well
yeah
the last three days
not so good...
so today is day one
restart
recommit
so day one it is...

it is also grass cutting day
(i love cutting the grass!)

it is also pool playing day
and sun soaking day...
and going to the farm day
so my daddy can sight in his riffle...
(although we may not do the farm, if we stay and make like fishes in the pool)

today also will hold some picture taking
I want to deliberately take pics...i've gotten woefully out of the habit when I was without a camera...

and it's crochet day
again
I haven't crocheted in a couple of months
!!!!
crazy
I know
and I have several unfinished objects that NEED TO BE DONE
and I want them to be done...
I need to seem something completed. :)

So basically, you know how people always ''restart'' on Monday? They lay out goals and plans and MONDAY is the day...

Well today is Thursday...Thursday is the new Monday! :)

Here's to day one! :)

finding the happy

FridayFelicities
Originally uploaded by joymombecky

*friends (I have the best ones-true)

*surprises (cashews...diet coke...)

*laughing over something completely silly for 10 mins with Mer on the phone--that if I tried to explain it to you, you would not think it was funny..but OH MY STARS---i love to laugh like that...

*sunshine

*text

*thinking about yarn projects...i have several UFO's (unfinished objects )that need to be finished..dude...and I am thinking of new projects. :)

summer is on its way--wooooooooooooot

happy weekend!

stronger

don't tell

but I really like that song by Kanye.

I sang it a lot today.

a lot.

The kids PC has a virus/spyware/junk
that then of course made it automatically open up
awful, terrible JUNK
makes me sick to my stomach
junk
argh and blah

and well
see I didn't know what to do.
I mean YES in the broad general sense I did.
but when I was married
it just defaulted as his job
kwim
he kept all that stuff up to date and the like...

and it felt a little overwhelming
or a lot overwhelming
because
I semi figured out what to do
(thank you google and friends)
but their computer is so eaten up it won't let you DO anything
before it throws up a splash screen with an infected error message...

but I will fix it
I will
because
i can
and that, that don't kill me
is makin' me stronger :)

I also ran stairs today.
and I will be the first to tell you that i don't love to exercise...
but I love the way I feel when I do...
I love to feel my body--feel strong
or like it is getting, stronger
and I love the way it helps me think...
and maybe everyone has that effect?
but even if I just walk my five miles...
something about pushing my body-frees my mind
clarity
stronger

I came in and Daddy wanted cookies...his favorite is peanut butter. So I made up a batch of cookies...well two batches....one cooked a bit longer so they were crunchy (the way my Daddy likes them) the other batch soft and chewy (like my kids like them).

I talked to a friend today and had one of those moments of clarity. The discussion was money and its effect on our lives and it was said, ''there have been times I would have burned all of mine if it would have made me happy.'' We are all looking for the same thing, you know. The wise know that it's not found in money or fame or comforts. I will be the FIRST to tell you money makes things easier to deal with and anyone that would deny that is just foolish. But money does not equal happy. You know what equals happy?

Strength.

Strength of character.
Strength of heart.
Strength of purpose.

Stronger.

That Kanye.

:)

and have ourselves a snack...

answering more questions...

Janet ask:

Here's my question: What are your food quirks? I know you don't like cantaloupe but I don't remember why . . . so what are some of your more aggressive food aversions?


****Heh, food quirks. I like to think don't have a lot of those or well, I don't think of myself as a picky eater...

I don't like cantaloupe-I like to refer to it a vomitloupe :) (i know, gross, right?) Nathan (oldest) LOVES it and would eat a whole one. I buy it for him. I am a HUGE smell person. HUGE. I remember scents. For me, cantaloupe has a BAD smell...I know, I know A LOT of people LOVE the scent of melon (clearly, Bath and Body Works had a whole line dedicated to it) but the scent to me...is just not pleasant, at all. :) So there is the cantaloupe deal.

Otherwise, I don't like beets...turnips (but love turnip greens) I don't like chicken on a bone (but will eat it...but the whole meat pulling away from the bone when you bite it...totally skeeves me out...) I love the TASTE of cottage cheese...but the texture...ick. LOL Those are the things that come to mind, right off.

I LOVE steak---l.o.v.e it. I love salad. A steak salad is my idea of heaven. :)

Over the last couple of years I've really changed the way I eat. I don't avoid carbs all together...but I avoid simple carbs as much as I can. That is not to say I never eat them...because a girl has got to have a potato on occasion. ;) But by default, and because I honestly LOVE them, I eat a lot of salads. It's not about being 'one of those girls that won't eat anything to rabbit food' (one does not get to be the size I was, eating rabbit food...just saying! lol) I love love love food...but salads are a default that are a healthy choice and one that isn't hard for me to make or feel like, ''ugh, that again.'' I also love with a love that is pure and good...guac and pico...and could literally eat it EVERYDAY. :)

It goes without saying I love chocolate. Brownies are my idea of a good time...frosted brownies are like a rebellious good time. Hee! A chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting is my idea of an engagment ring. ;)

Four

i need you to know

especially on those days when you doubt it most.

i love you.


i need you to know
my heart aches when I look at you...
when you smile I see your life
I see you taking your first step toward me
and in that same step
taking your first step away...

this momma thing is hard
so hard
because I never, ever want you to hurt.
i don't want the words of mean people to stick in your mind
and rear their ugly heads...
i want everyone to know you
as these incredible beings
so filled with life
and love
and potential

it's what a momma does
she sees her baby
and her heart is transformed


it's on those days
those days that I whisper through clinched teeth...
those days that i ask for just 10 minutes with no one saying , ''momma''
those days that my snark and bark seem far more accessable than my nice...
those days when i am not ''the cool mom''
it's those days
i need you to know
and remember

you are my best effort
you are my world
my heart started beating, the day I met you
you pull from stength I didn't know I possess
you make me braver than I ever knew I could be...

my biggest disappointment in life
would be messing this up...
not being enough
or being too much

I fight against myself everyday
with every decision
...

i need you to know
you make my heart smile
you fill me with purpose
you amaze and delight me

i need you to know
that being your momma
is what I wanted
before I knew what I wanted

i need you to know
you make my heart

whole.

with all of my love,
Momma

More answers...

Katho asked what I hoped to get for my birthday & what would be an ideal Mother's Day...

Rhonda asked my shoe size so she can get me some Christmas Shoes, in case I meet Jesus...

Marisa asked if I planned to kill Rhonda...


@Katho--HONESTLY ... I don't care. I really don't. I love gifts...prizes, as I like to call them. I will not lie and say I don't enjoy getting expensive BIG gifts (duh!) but I am truly a SUCKER for little fun things...a little something that shows you were thinking of me, or you paid attention to something I said. LOVE IT. A pack of M & M's given in love goes a loooooooooooooooooong way with me. More than anything honestly it's not WHAT you get me...you can call me on the phone. But it's that whole ''you took the time'' thing. KWIM

Ideal Mother's Day... I'm having it. My whole family will come over after church. I'll be surrounded by people that know me and love me. My ''wish'' would be-in a land far away...to have ONE day for myself. To check into a nice hotel...sleep in the next morning, have coffee while watching the news...a massage, mani & pedi and an afternoon movie. :)

@Rhonda- 11. (they were 9's before babies and I thought my feet were huge...now I know they are...but alas I share the same shoe size as Paris Hilton--I hope that is our only similarity. :)

@ Marisa--probably. :)

More answers to burning questions...

Stephanie and Penny both asked about summer plans...

I love Summer. It's my favorite season...well it ties with Fall, which ties with Spring (you'll notice WINTER is missing from this...UGH)

Summer Plans 10

(still firming up)

Right now the theme seems to be Lost and Dangerous
I want to watch all the seasons of LOST with the older two (at least) and work through "The Dangerous Book for Boys"

We have several trips planned...Biloxi, possibly back to 'the river'... the kids had fun when we did Tanner's Beach last year-so I think I'm going to try to fit that in maybe bi-weekly. It's local and fun.

Deliberate time...as my kids are getting older and their interest seems to be computer and game related-I can feel our time slipping. I want this summer to be about simplicity. Day trips to parks...hiking...bird watching (AE's current obession)My Nathan turns 12 in September--he is so not a little kid anymore...but I want to relish this summer...I want to suck every moment from it and I want it to be filled with good memories. I want to own the days...not letting the day slip by into another fog of routine and default schedules. (just ''be''...that will make sense in a minute...)

Read Aloud--I used to do this regularly-and it is one of the things in the last 1/5 yrs that has fallen by the wayside...so I am going to pick a series or something and we are going to pile on the bed and I'm going to read ... we are going to get lost in a story together. :)

We are going to memorize the BE ATTITUDES...and work on making them real in our lives.

Other than that...lots of swimming, movie watching, laughing, blowing bubbles, eating watermelon, birthday celebrating, watching fireflies and soaking in the sun. :)

Personally...

I want to journal (paper) daily or near daily...
I want to lose about 25 lbs and will be at what I think is my goal...
I want to walk, a lot more, it's becoming my sanity saver...
I want to relax...
I want this summer to be one of renewal and refreshing and finding out and getting to know
me.

The one where I answer your questions...

From Mama Said...she asked two:

My question... when in the world are you going to come to Canada and visit me? ;)

Why do you love your birthday so much? I've never met someone who loves their birthday as much as you do! I get a kick out of seeing how excited you get about it but wonder why...


****When am I coming to Canada? Um...when it's NOT snowing. :) I've actually been to Canada, back when I was in college--it's beautiful! :)

Why do I love my birthday so much? Hmmmmmm. Honestly, I don't know-I just always have, always. It was never about things--it was about the fun. I didn't grow up having elaborate bday parties, didn't have a sweet sixteen celebration etc...but I love me a birthday. I don't know--it's your day and you get to celebrate! Mostly I like to celebrate with other people. I am ridiculously obnoxious about my birthday. I am...but I want you to be too. I want you to enjoy my day just as much. I want you to celebrate--it's what we should do in life. :)

One of my best memories is my 21st birthday, where I had an Army Ranger in my kitchen making me funnel cakes. Another great birthday memory is from college. Since I have a summer birthday I never really had parties with friends. However, when I was at Truett McConnell, school was still in session and my parents drove up ...brought party goods (Sesame Street!), ice cream, cake and the whole nine yards and we had a party in my dorm lobby--with anyone that wanted to come by...SO much fun. :)


--------------------
Got a question you are dying for me to answer..leave a comment, shoot me an email or post it over on FB. :)

Cinco De Mayo

May 5th...
not feeling bloggy...
actully feeling bloggy-but they feel heavy and I am wanting to focus on some light and happy...

So in that vein...I open the floor to you, dear readers (waves at the two of you, madly!)

What do you want to know?
What burning question have you been dying to ask...
Do you really wonder if I wash my dust pan (yes!)
Shoe size...
Favorite song...

You ask and I'll answer (more than likely, or I'll say UM, that's a bit too personal so NO! heh!)

Ready...
GO!

Addendum:

if you can't get your questions to post, feel free to shoot them via email cheribrorsen@yahoo.com or PM or post them over at FB. :)

something

I sat there...
the breeze blowing, just shy of carrying any humidity...
the fountain,
splashing, amid color changes and sending off an occasional askew spray...
all of us
a party of five
sitting on one bench
savoring
the night...
for a few moments
we were just there...laughing
joking
smiling
scooting over to smash together
laughing more
and
it's always the best gift...
the one you get
as a surprise
my eleven year old looks at me
and says,
''mom, i really love you.''

{something special}

then i spotted them
the couple
they were young,
and in love...
you could tell by the way she watched him
and the way he enveloped her hand in his...
he stopped her by the fountain,
spun her around
and they shared a bit
of magic...
a night, so perfect
a memory
so sweet

{something wishful}

and I sat there
with the breeze
my kids giggles
and my heart full...
my life
these moments
I wouldn't trade...
they are my northern star
they are my soul's song
they are the reason I am

{something beautiful}

Things making me happy....

Friday Felicities...brought to you by the fabulous Nattie Rose...

Things making me happy today

a blue bracelet, that tinks and jingles when it moves--all reminding me of my Beth Moore bible study '' believing God'' and reminding me to pray!

berry.summer.vanilla YUM

preebee feet!

coffee in a most favorite cup

careful with those...you'll put a heart out

words

devoid of strength
and yet
full of power

to say that I am fan of words would be a
huge
understatement.

I have recently had a conversation on FB with a few friends discussing how words effect me/us.

Honestly there is nothing like
words.
well spoken
rightly timed
I love the rhythm of words
the cadence as they fall from lips.

among the many oddities I claim as mine...
i love to watch people talk.
I am not a phone person.
I will talk on the phone
(and I talk to my best friend mer--every.day)
but in general
the phone makes me feel awkward
like I have to fill the silences that occur or something...
I default to email
because it's easier to type it up at will and shoot it off when I can...
texting i enjoy-for a fun quick hi or whatnot...
but my favorite form of communication
is face to face.

I love to watch someone when they talk,
how they cut their eyes,
the way their lips pause and purse before saying...
something...
the flow of the words,
the timbre of the voice,
the nuance of the face...
all meld in my mind.

I love a good conversation...you've had them...you start talking about a most mundane thing ...chase a topic...share a hundred laughs and circle back around to the mundane...

only in that jaunt
something happened
you scattered words into the air
and into someones soul
and you forever are marked with that memory
you can visit it again
and again
and each time smile.

our words
have such power

the Bible speaks of letting your YES mean YES and your NO mean NO
about how every idle word will be accounted for
how a word spoken at the right time brings healing

to think our words are just letters jumbled together, laced with sound, to fill up a void
is a sad mistake

our words
are all we have

what we say
to others
(and to ourselves)
is what we are...

to throw words around
to sling them out
with no thought to where they land and the weight they carry...
sigh.

our words should be deliberate
thought out
backed up
and followed up with actions

we can SAY anything
and it costs us nothing...

and that is just the truth...

but if we say something
and we want it to count for something
we want it to be believed
for more than
empty syllables
filling
space

we have to be willing
to be
what those words
say we are...

we have to risk
not only saying it out loud
but
then
living it out loud too...

or don't bother saying it...
you use words to hurt
and you hurt words use
when you do that

Vera Dico

Perception IS reality

or the one about fun house mirrors and doors and life and lies we tell ourselves...

have you ever been to the fair?
did you do the fun house?
you know, you walk through a maze of rooms and within those room are mirrors to confuse you?
there are all sorts of mirrors
but they all do the same thing
they distort your image.

you may be lean and tall
in one
and yet short and stumpy
in the next

but what changed in all that...

perception

the real you
walked to each mirror
and the image reflected back
wasn't YOU
but it was what you saw...

how many of us
believe the mirrors in our lives?

how is it...
we can know Jesus loves us
accepts us
would move the ends of the earth FOR US

and yet

we believe the false mirrors that are throw up for us to look in each day...

why can't we believe
what is real
instead of what is reflected?

why can't we see
and be
what is real?

why do we let our perceptions
color
our mood
our actions
our security
our belief in what we can do?

step out of the fun house
open the door
walk into the Light

catch a glimpse of your reflection in His eyes

reflection IS reality

Tis the gift to be simple...

Tonight it's drizzled with olive oil
a touch of kosher salt
and coarse black pepper
and roasted to perfection




tomorrow morning
it will be paired with a fresh egg AE collected today on her trip to the chicken pen.
a bit of butter
salt and pepper
for an omelet
divine

Never let it be said there is not beauty in simplicity.
Never mistake many ingredients making something ''more'' special.

Food
much like life
shines
when it's simple and pure
when there is little to hide under sauces and foreign spices.

Savor the flavor.

Bon Appetit :)

Searching for Significance

i have a friend who is a writer...
a very good writer...
a very, very, very, very, very good writer
hee
clearly a better writer than I am
[looks askance at the use of very (like from a 3rd grade book report) up there]

she's taking a break
a sabbatical
why?
because her books aren't profitable-

her passion
her talent
her gifting

---

significance

we all want it.
we want what we do to matter...
we want to count.

we can love our calling
love our lives
love God

but we are way to wrapped up in a body of flesh to not want an ''atta girl'' sometimes.
it's just what it is...

you can go a long time on knowing we are doing what we are called to do
we can humble ourselves and be gracious to be poor but walking in obedience
but then
the day comes
when it doesn't all make sense...
if we are doing what we are called
if we are walking in His path...
why
is
there
no
validation
and honestly
just honestly
there are bills to pay

(and on the broad spectrum, maybe you are not a writer, but the significance is the same...and the bills may not be paper and mail delivered--maybe they are emotional ones...but they are bills just the same...)

It's very churchy and ''Godly'' to say , "rest in Jesus, find your completeness in Him, let Him be your plumb line for success."

but the heart of us, the deepest part of our spirit wants success...
we want to know our passion
touches others

and that applies across the board
vocations
and relationships

we want to matter

and we want to be secure enough to not care
but we aren't

so we just sit there
wanting

and
even though the truth of it IS
in fact that we DO matter
regardless of external show and praise
there is something
magic
special
redeeming
empowering
about
hearing it...
it being solidified

and today I sit there too
i'm not a writer
just a momma
but that ''atta girl'' yearns deep in me.

I want it to all matter.
I want to know it all matters.

Maybe a sabbatical is what we all need,
a rest in the climb [whatever your climb may be]
a goodbye to some expectations and desires...
a shift in focus
until it all becomes clear, again.

sometimes
goodbye is a second chance.

long night

I had two kiddos sick throughout the night...
so this morning felt like it arrived far too quickly...
however,
after a bit of Francis Chan
lots of coffee
and a shower
my
life feels manageable again.

This morning I am thankful and again awed by God's faithfulness to me...
That even when I fail, and fail I do...
that He is still there
loving me.

Have a blessed Sunday!

hold on loosely...

[or finding God in 38 Special]

[ponders how many readers (if I had lots of readers...hee) I would lose for tying God and 38 Special together...]

[oh well, He spoke from a donkey...I figure He can use a little 38 Special]

hi.
my name is cheri
and I am a control freak
ok
maybe not a complete freak
or maybe I am
I just like to know what happens next.
I just do.
I like to feel secure in it...no surprises popping out at the last second.

Why do we think knowing is security?
Sometimes in our quest to KNOW...to secure whatever it is...we lose it
cause we are holding it so
very
tightly.

[this is where 38 Special comes in...hee!]

Hold on loosely, but don't let go

if you cling to tightly, you're gonna lose control

God doesn't promise to tell us what's going to happen...

He promises to be with us WHEN it happens...

Our hurrying around, trying to orchestrate things, getting things in order, making things just so...having a flow chart and time line...

none of that benefits HIM

He already knows.

You know what it does.

It robs US (me!!!!)

of ...

what?

LIFE

It's a trick of Satan. The prince of this world...is out to steal, kill and destroy...Satan LOVES to rob us of ABUNDANT LIFE. So if he can get us fixated on events or things going on...if he can get us distracted into a tizzy trying to FIX AND PLAN and make it all make sense...

then he wins.

We lose sight of ALL THAT WE HAVE...

and what we have ,is the promise of a God that loves us more than anything, that HE is going to take care of us...

provide for us...

be gracious to us...

lavish peace upon us...

shower us with good things...

but we are holding on SO tightly to our agenda...how we want it to work out...

that we lose joy...

we lose today...

we lose laughs...

we lose love...

we lose memories...

hold on loosely

[but cling to Him!]

Until you reach a point of being tired of where you are...
you will be tired
where you are...

(read that again...I'll give you a moment)

tired?
physically
spiritually
emotionally

it's draining
isn't it?

I know.

But He promises

renewal
refreshment
revival
of mind, body and spirit

run to Him.

rest.

holding wishes in her hands

holding wishes in her hands
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

Anna-Elizabeth is four.

Her life is pretty simple. She wakes up grumpy. She talks all.the.time. She loves to ride her bike. She handles every situation with flair (or drama...you know whatever you want to call it) She loves to play dress up...

and make wishes.

Spring has arrived in Georgia and with it the explosion of dandelions abound. The difference in being four and being grown...
when you are grown those yellow pesky 'flowers' represent work and weeding...
when you are four
they represent wishes
unlimited wishes...every yellow petal
will one day become a feather of wish.

My girl runs out EVERYDAY looking for wishes plump for picking.
Everyday, with the the same amount of zeal and happy....she plucks it and with great fanfare says , ''now momma, you make a wish, but don't tell me or it won't come true.''

Our lives are dandelions...
sometimes to others our life may appear weedy and pesky...
but if you know anything,
you know your life is a gift. (even on the worst of occasions and situations)
Given to you by a Father God that loves you more than you can imagine.
When you look at your life that way, when you see it with His eyes.
You realize, each day
is brand new...
and full of wishes
and promises
and possibility.

Today,
make a wish
and
blow!

and hear Him whisper, "for I know the plans I have for you, plans for a future and a hope.''

Indeed!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a creation of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine..."

Hi, my name is Cheri-it's nice to meet you.
I am smart.
pretty.
funny.
creative.
compassionate.
faithful
and
worth it.

God says so.

p.s.
you are too!

Be gentle with the broken ones...

Be gentle with the broken ones...
their voices loud
their edges harsh
their hearts-
guarded tenderly

they are independent
oh their armor's strong
surrounded by masses
and yet
alone

isolated
by strength
by fear
they'll tell you it's by choice

they're fine
they're happy
an island
remote

Be gentle with the broken ones
in their pride it's hard to bow
...
they are worth the fight
the gentle war-

be gentle, oh so gentle
soft underbellies exposed
their fight ...against flight
be gentle
hold on...

Remembering...

those that died 15 years ago in Oklahoma City...

also 15 years ago today I got engaged...

the Alfred p Murry building crumbled in a day

my marriage over a series of years...

the children of that tragedy suffer scars and loss...

my children will always carry a brokenness.

Timothy McVeigh planned and executed that demise...

I carry the weight of my own.


Today is a hard day.
and to say otherwise would be a lie.

Speaking the language...

It's Sunday, we're eating lunch and watching Discovery Channel.

It's what dorks do. :)

While watching a program on Chinstrap penguins a fact caught my attention. After the babies are born, there are literally hundreds of penguins squawking wanting their Momma. The noise is deafening and to me was indistinguishable from surrounding squawks.

However, did you know that each family has it's own sound. That Momma penguin tunes an attentive ear and the call, the specific call of her offspring, brings her to them.

Now, isn't that just like God.

among all the squawking
He tunes his ear
and listens
for our call

and He comes to us-
every time.

Selah!

I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy.

Psalm 116:1

Step outside the box...He's there too

(and other things I'm learning along the way...)

my life has always been pretty tidy...
preacher's kid.
straight laced.
rule follower.

Always weighing choices with consequences,
always thinking of how things reflected on my Dad's vocation,
always considering how my decisions made others think of my God...
always
thinking
pondering
what
others
thought.

Not walking in freedom,
more easily held in chains of do's and do not's.

Having a form of Godliness
but denying the power-
of the liberty of
freedom IN Christ

[and I am in no way saying that grace is there, so sin can abound...don't misread!)

I think there are boundaries,
I think God's Word has rules for living
and I think those rules are for our benefit...
He truly does want us to have LIFE--
he wants our lives to be FULL
FREE
OVERFLOWING
with abundance...

I guess what I am seeing in my own life is the journey is not on course with what I thought ...
my life has taken turns I never (in my do A and B and you get C) imagined it would.
I've had to find God in the middle of all that.
I had Him
in this box
all neat and tidy.
He was fine there, as long as my rules were followed, my 'things' carried out, life following the script...

but what happens when there is a missing page in the play?
what happens when you find yourself
where you never thought you'd be?

did God leave you?
did you leave Him?

or

was He there all along and you just had to see Him...

Contained things are always easy to understand. If you have a box full of Legos, you have chaos controlled.
Pour those babies out and you have a mess.
It's the same mess you had IN the box...only IN the box it appeared organized.

My life was in a box, contained, neat, fixed-- but it was a mess.
It was dumped out and the mess was there for everyone to see.

But the God I held ever so tightly to IN the box, the one that made sense...
I found that HE was holding me
even more tightly
outside the box...

He was in the mess with me...
He was not always making it better,
but making ME better...
He let me rail, whine, cry and ask why...
He let me rant and act ridiculously...
He let me
look for sense in the mess...

He helped me see HIM
in new circumstances,
with new eyes,
in new ways...

because your faith is never stretched so much
as when
you are walking in paths you never imagined...

and it's never restored so much
as when you
you realize (and finally relish the TRUTH of it...)
He loves you, the beautiful mess of dynamic proportions, endlessly.

Who I'm are...

Who I'm are...
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

Funny Photo Friday...

top left to bottom right

Me at 2
2nd grade
4th grade
8th grade (hi ms pirch)
12th grade
22 (my engagement photo and AE declared today, ''how did that happen, I didn't know you could be THAT beautiful.'' ROTFLOL
me in the mighty warrior of the lord mask (hee...32 ish)
34
short haired me @33
and me today

Wasted days, a wasted knight...

I don't remember our first meeting, I just know his family is ingrained in so many of my memories.



I met him when I was six. My Daddy had just taken his first pastorate and we had moved to a new town. His family, along with his grandparents, aunts and uncles all attended our church.



I can close my eyes and I am there. I can see the sparkly ceiling of his grandparents house.



Yes, sparkly ceiling. I was six. You notice things like sparkly ceilings. :)

There is a globe, a big wooden globe, only it's not a globe you open it to find a bar service! (woo...a bar service was quite the sight for a Baptist six year old)

I can see them sitting around the round kitchen table.

There is coffee, always coffee.

and smoke

like bar level-they may have all been going to heaven, but they smoked like hell. :)

I can hear a rumbly voice singing, "Somebody Prayed For Me."

I can hear them, laughing.



Among this cluster there are children and grandchildren a plenty, my brothers and I fell right into the mix.

Sunday nights after church found us there playing...

elaborate games of baseball in a standard sized hallway, complete with bases.

He was quite
comparatively
a towhead among brothers that all sported hair the color of chocolate, green eyes to their brown.
A sprinkling of freckles.

This quite boy, was the first boy I kissed. In a field playing after school. I remember it a million years later because when you are six, kisses are new. Especially kisses that aren't tainted with life's troubles and expectations. That kiss, that peck-sweetness indeed.

[however, I would be remiss if I didn't share that after sharing that kiss his older brother ,a hustler even then ,threatened to tell my Daddy I had kissed his brother if I didn't also give him a kiss! Oh my! What was I supposed to do? Well two kisses in one day of course. *grins*]

We left that church, but those people never left our lives. Several years later we moved back to that area and again the tradition of integrating our lives continued. More so, that go round, because the parsonage was in disrepair and we ended up living with his grandparents for a bit.

This time around I was in sixth grade and there was no crush, he was simply my friend -- but he did something for me one day, that set a precedence. He made me believe in the whole knight in shining armor.

We went to the same school, but didn't have the same teacher. However, before school each day we had to sit in a line on the gym floor. This particular morning, a boy was being mean to me, he said something ugly. I sat there and then I heard him. He had walked up from behind as the kid was saying his deal. He simply said, ''hey you better leave her alone, she's my preacher's daughter.''

That was it, there was no fanfare, I mean we were in sixth grade. He did it though, he stood up for me. He made me feel special. Worth fighting for...

This kid
to say he was athletically gifted would be an understatement.
What others strive to be, what they practice to attain, seemingly just flowed from him.
This guy
had the eye of coaches and scouts,
at one of his baseball games, his senior year, he had more than 20 scouts there, just watching, him...
and not once
but twice
had professional teams pursuing him.
kissed with talent.

I found out recently that he walked out of rehab
again

A man that literally had a life pregnant with possibility before him...
lives like a man that has no potential.

A life that was kissed with promise,
now has the litter of failed marriages and children with a Daddy that could have been...

Somewhere along the way, he believed the lie.
He believed he wasn't enough on his own.
He began, maybe in innocent experimentation, filling a hole that only God can fill.
Now, it holds him. Mocks him. Makes a fool of him.
Makes him a disappointment to those that love him most.
Makes him a liar
a cheat
a thief.
It makes him a form of a man...but depleted of all that makes up a man.

Somewhere along the way, he fell for the idea that it was worth it.
That loving it was more important than loving his family,
his wife,
his children...

Chasing the feeling, only to be left in the dust of addiction.


If I close my eyes, years erase and I am back there...
we are kids again,
he's talking to me with that slight lisp, grinning...
always grinning.
We're sitting there in the gym, only this time I'm telling the bully ''hey you better leave him alone, that's my Daddy's kid.''

Will you pray for my friend?
I would be forever grateful.

Honey, I'm home!

019
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

We took a little excursion down to the Georgia coast. It was our second time to go to St. Mary's/Cumberland Island, Georgia. I love Cumberland Island--remote, filled with beauty and a totally uncluttered beach...just the ocean, sand and surrounded by the evidence that there has to be someone bigger and He does His job well.

I love road trips...
I love windows down
75 mph
music loud
drive time thinking

I did a lot of thinking while driving, about a lot of different things.
I didn't solve any world issues,
but blogging will follow-
some inspired from the thinking,
some inspired from life.

For today-it's back to laundry, schooling and my everyday, day to day.

I'll take some of that...

This morning I french braided Anna-Elizabeth's hair for church. As is her custom, she dashed to the mirror and admired herself, twirled around, pronounced it beautiful and ran off to have her brothers approve.

Daniel was walking into our room as she was running out and he said, ''Oh Nanna B, you look so beautiful.''

Do you know what Anna-Elizabeth did?

She smiled, hugely and said, "I know, thank you!"

She didn't sound conceited or ungrateful or snitty or prissy.

She sounded pleased. Her smile was mega watts wide, her eyes crinkled in happy. She wanted to be pretty & Daniel had just confirmed what she already knew.

.......

I was recently told something that kind of surprised me. Then of course it made me start thinking.
I was offered a compliment (actually several) and as is my natural response I kind of rebuffed them or joked them off.
My response, however, was met with...
''you know what, that self depreciation is funny for just about a minute.''

and I didn't know what to do with that...

I don't think I am unattractive. But I struggle, I just do, with the concept of someone looking at me and thinking I am beautiful.
Because I know me. LOL
I'm not.
:)
I've blogged before about my weight loss and how all of that plays into my thoughts regarding me now.
I don't know how to hear the compliment.
The only thing I know to do is to remind you of the flaws.
It's not that I think I am hideous,
it's that I want you to know that
...
what do I want you to know...
that I want to be beautiful,
within
and that the exterior is so
flawed,
aged,
damaged from life
that I can't imagine it being beautiful,

not when I think of all that is out there...
the perfect blondes
that haven't birthed babies (or have and still look smokin' hot...heh-so not me)
the skin that didn't stretch,
the veins that didn't bulge,
the body that didn't bounce back...
it's easier to point out these things-
because

(? because it's easier to think that perfection is expected, than perhaps flawed can be beautiful too?)

I watched Anna-Elizabeth today and it made me cry-it honestly did, because I'd love to have some of that...to look at someone and say, "I know, thank you'' and smile a smile that didn't give off prima donna attitude, but gratitude for saying it & making me believe it.

I could learn a few lessons from that girl of mine.

the hard stuff...

As a Christ follower, my first admission should be that I fail. Often.

I disappoint God, I disappoint myself.

I should also admit that as a Christ follower sometimes the very hardest part is the following aspect. It's easy to pray or read your bible--it's often harder to DO.

God has been working in my life lately, taking down barriers, pushing my boundaries...extending my faith.

It hasn't been pretty.
Because I like to fight against it all.
But I know that the fighting is always futile, He always wins, obedience is always, always best.

So like Ruth I go in, uncover their feet, lie there and trust God ...

God is our kinsmen redeemer...He will restore our situation, He will make our paths straight...

but we have to lie down,
sometimes look a little vulnerable
for God to throw the cover on us...

Naomi instructs Ruth to approach Boaz privately at his threshing floor, next to his fields. Threshing floors were level areas of smooth rock or pounded earth, where harvested grain could be separated from the chaff (or husks) by being beaten, and then tossed into the air against the wind, so that the breeze blew the chaff away, leaving the heavier grain to fall straight down. Naomi’s plan is a risky one that could place Ruth in jeopardy of a potential scandal.

As the owner of the field, Boaz could have had others guard his harvested crop…but he likely enjoyed all aspects of farm life. Ruth finds Boaz, sees that he is asleep, and uncovers his feet so that he would wake up, shivering from the chill, and notice her. We know enough of Boaz’s character to know he will not take advantage of Ruth’s vulnerability.

When Boaz awakens, Ruth asks him to spread the corner of his garment over her. This was a common expression of the day, referring to the protection of marriage. To throw a garment over a woman was to claim her as one’s wife. The same word translated “garment” here is translated “wings” in 2:12, referring to the provision of God. In Ezekiel 16:8, God says to the nation of Israel, “I spread the corner of my garment over you...I gave you My solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine.”

Ruth is asking Boaz to be her kinsman-redeemer. Our kinsman-redeemer is Jesus, Who has redeemed us by sacrificially taking the penalty for our sin upon the cross. Like Boaz, He has the right to redeem, He is able to redeem, and He is willing to redeem. Jesus has purchased us with His blood, has made us His bride, and is now preparing a home for us in Heaven.

*from HERE