Sunday, April 11, 2010

I'll take some of that...

This morning I french braided Anna-Elizabeth's hair for church. As is her custom, she dashed to the mirror and admired herself, twirled around, pronounced it beautiful and ran off to have her brothers approve.

Daniel was walking into our room as she was running out and he said, ''Oh Nanna B, you look so beautiful.''

Do you know what Anna-Elizabeth did?

She smiled, hugely and said, "I know, thank you!"

She didn't sound conceited or ungrateful or snitty or prissy.

She sounded pleased. Her smile was mega watts wide, her eyes crinkled in happy. She wanted to be pretty & Daniel had just confirmed what she already knew.


I was recently told something that kind of surprised me. Then of course it made me start thinking.
I was offered a compliment (actually several) and as is my natural response I kind of rebuffed them or joked them off.
My response, however, was met with...
''you know what, that self depreciation is funny for just about a minute.''

and I didn't know what to do with that...

I don't think I am unattractive. But I struggle, I just do, with the concept of someone looking at me and thinking I am beautiful.
Because I know me. LOL
I'm not.
I've blogged before about my weight loss and how all of that plays into my thoughts regarding me now.
I don't know how to hear the compliment.
The only thing I know to do is to remind you of the flaws.
It's not that I think I am hideous,
it's that I want you to know that
what do I want you to know...
that I want to be beautiful,
and that the exterior is so
damaged from life
that I can't imagine it being beautiful,

not when I think of all that is out there...
the perfect blondes
that haven't birthed babies (or have and still look smokin' hot...heh-so not me)
the skin that didn't stretch,
the veins that didn't bulge,
the body that didn't bounce back...
it's easier to point out these things-

(? because it's easier to think that perfection is expected, than perhaps flawed can be beautiful too?)

I watched Anna-Elizabeth today and it made me cry-it honestly did, because I'd love to have some of look at someone and say, "I know, thank you'' and smile a smile that didn't give off prima donna attitude, but gratitude for saying it & making me believe it.

I could learn a few lessons from that girl of mine.

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