Monday, April 26, 2010

Searching for Significance

i have a friend who is a writer...
a very good writer...
a very, very, very, very, very good writer
clearly a better writer than I am
[looks askance at the use of very (like from a 3rd grade book report) up there]

she's taking a break
a sabbatical
because her books aren't profitable-

her passion
her talent
her gifting



we all want it.
we want what we do to matter...
we want to count.

we can love our calling
love our lives
love God

but we are way to wrapped up in a body of flesh to not want an ''atta girl'' sometimes.
it's just what it is...

you can go a long time on knowing we are doing what we are called to do
we can humble ourselves and be gracious to be poor but walking in obedience
but then
the day comes
when it doesn't all make sense...
if we are doing what we are called
if we are walking in His path...
and honestly
just honestly
there are bills to pay

(and on the broad spectrum, maybe you are not a writer, but the significance is the same...and the bills may not be paper and mail delivered--maybe they are emotional ones...but they are bills just the same...)

It's very churchy and ''Godly'' to say , "rest in Jesus, find your completeness in Him, let Him be your plumb line for success."

but the heart of us, the deepest part of our spirit wants success...
we want to know our passion
touches others

and that applies across the board
and relationships

we want to matter

and we want to be secure enough to not care
but we aren't

so we just sit there

even though the truth of it IS
in fact that we DO matter
regardless of external show and praise
there is something
hearing it...
it being solidified

and today I sit there too
i'm not a writer
just a momma
but that ''atta girl'' yearns deep in me.

I want it to all matter.
I want to know it all matters.

Maybe a sabbatical is what we all need,
a rest in the climb [whatever your climb may be]
a goodbye to some expectations and desires...
a shift in focus
until it all becomes clear, again.

goodbye is a second chance.

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