caution...process in progress

That is me...well, was me. Ok. It is me. I mean that is a picture of me. However, when I look at it, it makes me cringe a little...and sad, a lot. That was me in February 2008. My body issues run long and deep. Never having been thin, the concept is foreign. I should say, never having perceived myself as thin...esk. I look back at pictures and realize I was no where near the size I thought I was...the big girl in my head--is not the girl looking back at me. Was I model thin, no...but I also wasn't the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon I envisioned in my minds eye. I've honestly, never been the pretty girl. Don't mistake that to think I had horribly low self esteem. I just accepted things for what they were...I was funny and chunky, I hung out with the pretty girls.

In January of 2008 I was the mom of 4 kiddos. I would LOVE to be able to say I was post partum here and allow an excuse...but AE was 2 by this point. I was grossly overweight. I was not happy. I was in the land of eternal winter. I was sad.

Now I am so not one of those people that makes everything else the reason. I was fat because I ate too much. I ate the wrong things. I ate a lot of the wrong things.

and losing weight is hard.

But I started in 2008
and 2 years later I am not that girl any longer.

only I am.

I'm still the fat girl in my head.
I think I may always be the fat girl.
cause I've always been the fat girl. LOL

Body image is such a weird thing. It's something I haven't given and have given an extraordinary amount of thought to...

I was at Walmart the other day and the older gentleman checking my purchases made a comment. (a family walked by, both were larger --very large, and walking was an exercise...KWIM) The man commented, (and it wasn't in a mean tone at all...it was simply an observation, I'm not saying it wasn't insensitive, I'm saying I don't think his motive was to be mean.)"I don't see how they get out of the house like that.''

Immediately I took every word he said and internalized it...just as if he were talking to me. Because the me standing there in the size 12 jeans, might as well have been back in the size 22's...

see, still the fat girl, inside.

I don't know how you get beyond that...

[then there is the whole post pregnancy with four kids, nursed four kids, pregnant 4 times in seven years, can you really get stretch marks everywhere on your body, oh look I should pose for the centerfold of national geographic dynamic too]

I don't struggle with thinking I'm funny.
I don't struggle with thinking I'm smart.
I don't' struggle with thinking I'm a good mom.
I don't struggle with thinking I am talented/creative.
I don't' struggle with thinking I am a good cook.

But wrapping my head around my true image is hard.
I suppose it's something all women deal with on some level.

I saw a picture from last summer-it's not a good picture. It's a shot of me from July 4th-slightly blurry and I'm not even looking at the camera, my face is contorted in some, ''what am I looking for/at'' pose.

but I saw the picture and had to look twice, who am I kidding I looked three...six, ten times.

It was me.

Only I didn't recognize her.

I like to think I'm in the home stretch. I want to lose another 40 lbs. I hope by my birthday in June. But I am also walking and toning and trying to do what I can with what I have...lol I want to get to know me, this me that I don't recognize, that I am not at all familiar with...

I want to be her friend.