Saturday, February 13, 2010

happy gooey hearts day...

my mind feels full and tumbly...thoughts swirling, nothing really fantastic or maybe it is.

i always censor ...i have this internal censor that is set on super dee dooper mega HIGH. I analyze what I write/say/said, reanalyze and rethink it...

except sometimes I don't...

it's rare that I am comfortable enough to just BE--there are way to many flaws I need to point out...and so not censoring is not an option.

(p.s. i am not saying this is right or wrong, i am saying it is what it is)

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i often am disappointed in myself (not in an angsty oh i am awful kind of way...), i often feel that I have this responsibility to BE all of this (and this is put on me, by myself, not someone else. I struggle with allowing myself to err. Because, I think if I do--then someone else will see that and think...''um, wow.'')

----

confession

i struggle
i fall
i fail
i stumble

i do what i say i wont
and fight to do what I say i will
(remind you of Paul???)

I am a beautiful mess of dynamic proportions.

I am learning to accept all that...
to learn that it's ok to not be it all...

i am learning to offer myself grace
the same grace HE so freely extends

I am learning that amid disappointment, things that don't make sense and that seem unfair--that the growth...the lesson is in learning that HE is already there. He never ask us to walk alone. He is not a cosmic killjoy out to rob us of LIFE ABUNDANT--no, HE is there wanting that for us. What He doesn't want is me trying to accomplish it on my own. Those results...

disappoint

always...

what i love most about grace
is that it is a renewable resource...
presently active
renewing

just for me

there are things
i don't know if I will ever be able to change
but I know that HE holds me
and has enough GRACE
for me to make it.

Selah!

<3
love love! :)

2 comments:

Madame Rubies said...

Confession: I love you, just the way you are.

Twisted Knitter said...

What a beautiful post.

I learned that there's nothing more liberating than rejecting self-censoring when one knows that one's core is truly sound and that the eternal has been dealt with.

I love what you wrote:

what i love most about grace
is that it is a renewable resource...


You're fully free to be who you are and who you were meant to be, Cheri.