tap...tap...is this thing on???

(the one where I ramble, and spill ideas and plans and goals...and circle around themes and topics...and chase trails ...and hardly make sense at all...)



so

happy new year!

woo hoo



2011...rocket cars and all that :)



i can't say 2010 was bad...

it wasn't

but it wasn't good

either

and the only way I know to describe it is

um

hmmmm

I don't know...



it felt (in retrospect)

like that year of...

almost?



and that sounds far heavier than the year deserves...



it was the first year I was divorced...

it was the second year I was separated...

it was the year that I went on a date...or two...

it was the year my best friend moved a million miles away...

it was the year friendships were rejected-unexplained and painfully so...

it was the year of God showing off...gifting my children with trips to the beach...six flags...sea world...

it was the year of really, really hard spiritual lessons...

it was the year of praying, standing in the gap, anyway-even when the prayers seem devoid of strength or distance beyond the whisper of the words...

the year, i admitted to wanting to write...at least to myself...

it was the year I was a little more transparent...

it was the year I was gifted with reconciliation...and the gift of that...even now, makes me cry.

the year I fell in love with cloud pictures, again, just like when I was five

it was the year I looked UP a lot, because I had to...

to breathe...

a lot of days felt hard

heavy with expectation

change

hurt

disappointment



I did a lot of growing in 2010

and I felt ...kind of like the hebrew children

and like I did a lot of walking in circles...

by my own doing.



and now it's done

it will never be 2010 again...

i don't miss it...

but I miss what I missed it in...when I was too busy being bogged down with the other...



but you know

now

it's 2011



and this year



my theme

is rebuilding



and it literally encompasses every.stinking.area.of.my.life...



and the shell of potential of what coulda/shoulda/woulda been in 2010 is empty...

and to look back at it...to analyze or question or lament or give it anymore attention...just robs me of today.



2010...is done.

i will take the graces it gave me and treasure them as the gifts they are...

i will take the hurt and hard lessons and apply them to wisdom...letting them help me to be better...



because 2011 is here...

the foundation is laid

i will not repine...

i will not lament...

i will not give strength or power

to people or situations...

that is just unfocused energy...

energy that is going to be honed this year

aimed

directed

it's the year of possiblities



possibly anything can happen



i

can't

wait...



surprises are my favorite thing

expectation makes me giddy

(and one goal...met...to stop using FB as my 'crutch' it is far too easy for me to blog/superficially post and such without really plugging in...putting forth the effort. So today...I blog...on my...blog. it was painless, imagine that. :)

happy new year

friends!