Monday, January 4, 2010

Cinco de January-o

Just not the same, huh?

It's 1 a.m. -- sleep isn't coming easy tonight.

I go through this-insomnia on occasion. I'm sure I could drink less coffee or diet coke...or stand on my head, or only walk if my left foot leads or take Tylenol p.m.... and I suppose if it were a TRUE issue, one that riddled me week after week, I'd consider something. Alas, it happens occasionally usually stress related or busy-ness related. It works out in a few days...but as of tonight. I'm wide awake.

So hello!

This will probably be random...welcome to my brain. :)

I got snail mail on Monday (I started to type today...because FOR ME until I go to bed...it's still that day...but alas for the sake of YOUR brain I am clarifying. :) ) a beautiful card with a handwritten message that made my heart smile.

In the last week or so I've gotten two emails from people that made me pause. They were beautiful emails, full of the kindest things, words like ''you'll never know how much you encourage me'' and ''you inspire me in my faith'' words that I honestly, truly feel honored to read. Words that I read and think, ''me, they are talking about me?''

I don't say that to fish for compliments or garner praise. I say that because I think honestly...do you know me??? I so struggle with me. I have a heart that longs to be wholly devoted, to follow hard after God, to honor Him. But yall, I have this flesh...this flesh that I battle daily. I'm snarky, moody, sarcastic, I have little patience and sometimes I want to just be mean. I am like a toddler, so often, I just pitch fits (mostly internally, with God and he kindly just lets me work on through it)--but nothing in me feels like I even come close to being something someone else would see and think ''ah, she has a faith I can see...''

On the other hand, reading those words does something to my spirit that I cannot describe. I am such a sucker for words. Prose...poems...quotes...well written books....all pull me into their magic. I am surprised my love language isn't ''words of affirmation''-I truly am, because well spoken words, encouragement can fuel me for days.

I am struggling lately. Not wrestling with an angel struggling. Not miserable, woe is me, struggling. I'm struggling with me. I'm struggling with who I am, who I want to be one day. I feel a little lost, honestly. My life was defined. Now it's not. The thing is, was it really defined or do I just assume it was? I have a very blessed life. I do. I am happy. In my soul, I have joy. I just am not sure of the living space. You know how when you move into a new house or apt, you spend the first week or two or year...throwing garbage under the sink even though the garbage is in the pantry -- because you were so used to how things were at your old apt. THAT is kinda what I feel. I'm working through it. The new 'house' is nice...I just gotta locate everything & get settled into things a bit.

They are giving snow here on Friday...my kids are sooooo excited.

My friend, Heather, is driving through Wednesday and I'm not going to be able to meet her...typically when she drives through from her visits with her mom we meet...I can't this time and it makes me sad. :(

Ah, I suppose it time to attempt sleep. 5 a.m. arrives regardless of how much I've rested previous to that wake up alarm. :)

Happy Tuesday--make it happy.
Choose Joy.