Iridescent (instant replay, archiving purposes)

You're there again...




the feeling familiar and yet foreign

how did this happen,

it wasn't the plan...

the hurt

so deep

the pain


so fresh

the wound

open...

your marriage wasn't supposed to be one of those...

your baby... not healthy ???

your friendship, could sustain any storm (then why do you feel empty, with the unexplained departure)

your career...you were going places...

your family...why.can't.we.all.get.along....

your health...compromised

your innocence...taken

your dreams...mocked

your faith...shaken

your life...

You walk around a bit shellshocked. Wondering.

Why?

You just want some bit of it to make sense.

Some part of it...

any part of it...

When you were standing in the wake of devastation when you were waiting on the edge of the unknown with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now you were there and possibly alone. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation you build up hope, but failure's all you've known remember all the sadness and frustration and let it go, let it go. And in the burst of light that blinded every angel as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars you felt the gravity of temper grace falling into empty space no one there to catch you in their arms ...



You hear them speaking...

telling you to count it all joy...

telling you God makes no mistakes...


He'll never give you more than you can handle...


them

with their answers...

their pat

simple

sunday school

answers...

and you want to rail...

you want to scream...

you want someone

for ONE TIME

to not answer

with some 'perfect answer'

maybe a little admission

that

they don't understand either...


This is not the end This is not the beginning, Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision But you listen to the tone And the violet rhythm Though the words sound steady Something empty's within 'em We say Yeah! With fists flying up in the air Like we're holding onto something Thats invisible there, Cuz we're living at the mercy of The pain and the fear Until we dead it, Forget it, Let it all disappear.


You want someone

to be real...

not perfectly fixed...

not

so

unattainable...

because the hurt

oh the hurt

it bubbles up

it takes your breath...

and you try to hide it,

and you bury it

with stuff

(you know the stuff)

You say you're not going to fight Because no one will fight for you And you think there's not enough love And no one to give it to And you're sure you've hurt for so long You've got nothing left to lose So you say you're not going to fight Because no one will fight for you You say the weight of the world Has kept you from letting go And you think compassion's a flaw And you'll never let it show And you're sure you've hurt in a way That no one will ever know

you know what I love about Jesus

...

He chases you...

When you are bitterly angry...

when you hurl, tear streaked questions at a star strewn sky...

when you sit there...

your stomach hollow

from the punch life just dealt...

when you fall down,

again...

and this time, you can't get up.

HE sits down beside you...

He lets you rant...

He lets you cry...

He lets you question...

He lets you

BE

because see,

there was a garden,

there was a cup,

there was betrayal

there was hurt

there was disappointment

there was great sadness...

there was asking ...if there were any other way ...

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Matt. 26:39

and in the end...

there was the ultimate sacrafice.

Because HE knew...

one day you would hurt...

and it would break His heart...

but He knew in your brokeness...

you'd want someone to walk along side you...

someone that didn't hand out pat answers, all the while being The Answer...

someone who'd felt the cut, the pain...

someone who looked a lot like you...

only you,

covered in Grace...



God bless us everyone We're a broken people living under loaded gun And it can't be outfought It can't be outdone It can't out matched It can't be outrun ...




[all lyrics from Linkin Park]

hot [mixed up] mess

this is random
stream of consciousness
sort of. :)

i have lots on my mind-thus the not sleeping.
i do this
cycle of insomnia...stress/change/thinking always feeds into it...

I just looked I have eleven things written and in my drafts-hmmmm

I have a blog brewing based on a couple of songs...
and a discussion today on FB stirred the startings of another.

I wrote out family rules today.

I love my kids more than I ever knew you could love someone.

my hair is a hot mess
like different colors
hot mess
and I obviously care, or I wouldn't bring it up-kwim
lol
but it's fine. I'm not messing with it for a month...it gets a break-then a real person, with real skills shall work some magic :)

I have been working on a schedule for about two weeks now.
Being sick over Christmas break and then having snow/ice messed with my sleeping schedule and our schooling (some, not much-we totally did school during the snow week)

We are going to Houston at the end of Feb. The kids are so excited. They love hanging out with Poppa and LaLa. I am debating the route. The typical I-10 straight shot...or detour and go to New Orleans via Lake Pontchartrain. I am not a big fan of bridges-(only since having kids) it's not like a crazy fear...clearly or I wouldn't be contemplating this...lol. But it's only 15 miles difference in the two routes. In New Orleans there is The Creole Creamery and I love the history and architecture there. Since this in essence will be our Spring Break too, I am trying to make it fun along the way. We of course will do our regular stops at the Bass Pro Shops along the way (lol, it's Daniel's thing-for whatever reason-and it has become a tradition on road trips) In TX we shall get our fill of Whataburger (Elijah's thing). We will also be seeing friends along the way. It will be fun. :)

I am finishing up my first Stephen King book in over 20 years. I read IT, forever ago and it freaked me out. This book has totally redeemed Stephen in my eyes. :)

I am going to follow the lead of another blogging friend and open up the comments to questions and such. Something you want to know? Something you want to ask? Here is your chance. Hopefully this will lead to some blogging topics and consistency. :)

I really do thank yall for reading!

it's all in who you know...

his name was mephibosheth

imagine the nicknames he garnered



{what labels have they put on you}



he was dropped ...

and thus crippled



{what happened...that made you paralyzed}





King David... upon remembering with fondness his love of Jonathan wanted to do kindness to his family...



{the king}



and so they brought in Miphibosheth...

Jonathan's son



{it's who you know}



The king treated him as a son...

sat him at the table...



{undeserved mercy}





He was a kid, that was dropped. He was broken and had a funny name. His grandaddy was a tyrant...but his Daddy had a friend...and it was that line of connection in the end that brought Mephibosheth to the table of the King of Israel.



and now



we are

modern day Mephibosheths...



we are labeled

we are broken



our past may be littered with choices and decisions ...

but

we have a Friend

we have a connection




and He seats us at the table

and He makes us part of the family...

and He extends grace

shows kindness

he looked for you
sought you out
that makes you worthy
you caught His attention...
you have the eye of the King...



broken becomes beautiful



it's all in who you know...

What I know now...

that you can love ... deeply

that you can hurt...intensely

that you can question...repeatedly

that you may wonder...unceasingly

that your world can shift, your view can be distorted, your heart can rend, your soul can be utterly bruised...

you can feel like your faith is shaken to the very core

you can think yourself to blame
for all the reasons why.

but I've also come to know...

that sometimes
sometimes

it's ok

and ok
is
ok

and you don't have to explain
or make it make sense
or review
rewind
rethink

sometimes

you walk in fields of grace
that you would have never discovered
if the path youhad so faithfully trod
hadn't took an abrupt



drop

into where you are now


and you find

refreshingly

now
is exactly where you want to be...

rebuilding
sometimes tearing things down
makes them stronger.

thinkerly...

I'm a words girl. I've mentioned that here. I love quotes. From movies. From books. From people.

I'm reading through the bible this year with a group of girls. I am currently reading in Genesis about Jacob and Esau...and the thing I couldn't get away from after reading and realizing the older son always got a double portion was how that made The Prodigal Son parable take on a new meaning.

The older brother knew custom. He knew he was getting DOUBLE what his younger brother had gone out and wasted. But the older brother was so busy stewing, so busy fussing with the Father about how BAD the younger brother was...he couldn't enjoy his blessing HIS DOUBLE BLESSING.

It reminded me again of how we (*I*) am...
and it reminded me of this quote...

''When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us.'' --Alexander Graham Bell

Don't live a life of regret...of could have, should have, would have...don't wait to start...don't spend your days lamenting the choices of others...to the point that it robs you of the JOY of your blessings.

We get one shot, once chance.

Make it count.

Rebuilding [the series]

Every year, for the last...hmmmm...five years or so I've picked a theme for the new year...

this year my theme is rebuilding

and I'm not sure exactly what all that is going to cover, other than everything...but I'm pretty sure it will be blogged and so gets a series... :)

I have a lot going through my head, a lot of thoughts, ideas, ponderings and wonderings...

this was me::: three years ago (in red/glasses)




My life changed a lot three years ago. All of that is not for public consumption. That is not to sound vague, cryptic and hoity toity. There is just no need. If you want to know something, then take the private venue and ask, I do not hide my life, but I keep my private life private.



Also, this year is REbuilding. Regardless of why or how...I am where I am...and this year I am rebuilding ...the focus is not on the past...the focus the FOCUS is on REBUILDING.



This is me::: almost exactly two years later (the one not wearing the spunky headband *smiles*)


Clearly, there have been some changes around here...
outwardly
and
inwardly

but part of the rebuilding is repairing
my weight loss is almost done...I will reach my goal this year by my birthday (that would be June 7th for any of you that have somehow MISSED MY BIRTHDAY)
but my body shows the scars and damage of time of neglect
I am not going for perfect
I am going to the best I can be...

one thing I've learned in this time is that...

sometimes you have to work harder, because you didn't work at all for a while

I'm almost 40. Every step of this journey in being a healthier me has been hard. But you know what...I am willing to walk more, run even. I am willing to do leg work, push ups, lunges, lift, pilates...I am willing to do the EXTRA work...

because something that I am beginning to glimpse is that in doing the work...in reaching toward you goal...you change the outside (yes!) but the inside, OH the inside gets shifted too. You rebuild the outside and all the while God is doing a work on the inside.

I have goals. Vain goals ... that I want to reach. And it is going to take a lot of work. Not because the goals are far fetched...but because for a long time, I didn't do the work.

it's easier not to...it's always easier not to

but doing the work...

the day to day, meeting the goal-the promise you've made to yourself,

makes the hard part, easier.

Here's to rebuilding...

all things new.

Glory, Glory to ol Auburn ...

I was six when the line was drawn in the sand.

My family had moved to the great state of Alabama. My Dad, a pastor, had taken his first church in a town outside of Birmingham.

I was in a male dominated household. There wasn't a lot (or you know, any...) synchronized swimming, gymnastics or ice dancing viewed at our house.

There was college football, professional football and baseball ... which took us into the next football season...

We moved to an enclave that was Crimson.

All fans have a team...
In Alabama, a team has you.

It became necessary to pledge an allegiance.
and surrounded by ones that near worshipped Bear Bryant...
I was challenged... to a point of decision.

My brothers were older and their teams already decided. That Fall was not a watermark moment for them, firm supporters of the SEC they already loved their teams. Georgia, our hearts home, was my youngest brothers passion. Alabama, our new home, got my oldest brothers cheers. My Daddy rounded things out with a hat tip to the ACC and his loyalty went to Georgia Tech.

I remember being told, ''you will like Alabama.''
and that settled it.

In an act of rebellion, I cast my lot with Auburn.

On that day, a fan was born.

And for the last thirty years what started as a childish, 'oh I'll like them to spite you' has turned into the reason I look forward to Fall.

I'm a girl. I've never played football. I can't relate to the feeling of walking into a field house or walking through a tunnel. The knock of the shoulder pads. The smell of a new football. The passion of being on the field, a part of sixty minutes, that become a part of the best memories of your life.

All that I may have been denied.

But I can tell you that I have walked through seasons of sadness, losses and sanctions. There have been Saturdays that I have danced in utter delight. I've needed talked down and I've talked smack. I've berated bad calls and been thankful to be on the receiving end of reviews that turned the game. I've wanted to throw things at the television, I've wanted to throw my hands up in obnoxious victory chants.

Along the way. The fan fell in love.

And Monday
The National Championship.

The sound that starts as a low rumble in The Plains, grows to a resounding timbre crossing the dessert...

the battle cry....

WAR EAGLE

All fans have a team...
In Alabama, a team has you.

Good luck to the Mighty Tigers of Auburn University.

the importance of being earn...er, um, naked

being naked reduces you...

there is nothing to hide ...
what we disguise with fashion,
naked renders fully visable
most of the time in harsh light...

naked
exposed
vulnerable
honest

honest.

the reason we like clothes
it hides the flaws
the imperfections...
we can accessorize and distract
highlight the strong points...

we can never let you know
what's underneath...

but at some point, you find yourself

naked

and that leads you to the hard part

rejection

there, honest...

no one
NO ONE
wants to be rejected

and so, at the risk of closing ourselves off...
of not being real with anyone
we will plug in...but not all the way...
we will offer superficial presence
but nothing beyond...
we will

do anything
except

be real.

because real, makes us vulnerable, vulnerable makes us naked
and naked means you can walk away-because you could handle the cute outfit
but not
the person
the real, broken, scarred
person wearing it...

to become vulnerable...
is for some the hardest thing
(ask me how I know...)

because see, once you know something...
you can't unknow it...

and once you know it
what if
it's too much...

and so we retreat
we project this idea of wholeness
of having it together
of being in command
and we
are alone

but *they* can't walk away
because *they* don't know...

all dressed up
with no one

heart tenderly wrapped in a scarf...

the risk of unwrapping
is huge

but we were made, by the master creator, to need each other...

that doesn't mean you expose and spill to everyone,
you can guard your heart
without walling it up...

but
(and this i know, i live it, daily)
when you find that place
where you can shed the layers...
where you strip off the blouse
(and the lycra shaper, that's keeping everything smooth)
when you stand there
bumps and bulges
exposed

and look to find
you are surrounded by others
who've dropped the facade
and reflect
not perfection
but
acceptance.

acceptance that was there all along...
because
we're all broken
and we need help, carrying the pieces

so
will you...
drop the scarf?

tap...tap...is this thing on???

(the one where I ramble, and spill ideas and plans and goals...and circle around themes and topics...and chase trails ...and hardly make sense at all...)



so

happy new year!

woo hoo



2011...rocket cars and all that :)



i can't say 2010 was bad...

it wasn't

but it wasn't good

either

and the only way I know to describe it is

um

hmmmm

I don't know...



it felt (in retrospect)

like that year of...

almost?



and that sounds far heavier than the year deserves...



it was the first year I was divorced...

it was the second year I was separated...

it was the year that I went on a date...or two...

it was the year my best friend moved a million miles away...

it was the year friendships were rejected-unexplained and painfully so...

it was the year of God showing off...gifting my children with trips to the beach...six flags...sea world...

it was the year of really, really hard spiritual lessons...

it was the year of praying, standing in the gap, anyway-even when the prayers seem devoid of strength or distance beyond the whisper of the words...

the year, i admitted to wanting to write...at least to myself...

it was the year I was a little more transparent...

it was the year I was gifted with reconciliation...and the gift of that...even now, makes me cry.

the year I fell in love with cloud pictures, again, just like when I was five

it was the year I looked UP a lot, because I had to...

to breathe...

a lot of days felt hard

heavy with expectation

change

hurt

disappointment



I did a lot of growing in 2010

and I felt ...kind of like the hebrew children

and like I did a lot of walking in circles...

by my own doing.



and now it's done

it will never be 2010 again...

i don't miss it...

but I miss what I missed it in...when I was too busy being bogged down with the other...



but you know

now

it's 2011



and this year



my theme

is rebuilding



and it literally encompasses every.stinking.area.of.my.life...



and the shell of potential of what coulda/shoulda/woulda been in 2010 is empty...

and to look back at it...to analyze or question or lament or give it anymore attention...just robs me of today.



2010...is done.

i will take the graces it gave me and treasure them as the gifts they are...

i will take the hurt and hard lessons and apply them to wisdom...letting them help me to be better...



because 2011 is here...

the foundation is laid

i will not repine...

i will not lament...

i will not give strength or power

to people or situations...

that is just unfocused energy...

energy that is going to be honed this year

aimed

directed

it's the year of possiblities



possibly anything can happen



i

can't

wait...



surprises are my favorite thing

expectation makes me giddy

(and one goal...met...to stop using FB as my 'crutch' it is far too easy for me to blog/superficially post and such without really plugging in...putting forth the effort. So today...I blog...on my...blog. it was painless, imagine that. :)

happy new year

friends!