say what you need to say

did you know I was never a huge John Mayer fan till the last year or so...
I love his song, "Say What You Need To Say''

My favorite line...

''even if your hands are shakin'

and your faith is broken

even as the eyes are closing

do it with a heart wide open...

say what you need to say''

As someone, who (believe it or not) has gone their whole life weighing every word...this song, as a reality is hard for me. Very hard. I am a very wordy girl. I love to talk. I am sarcastic and quick with wit and comebacks, generally. I love to joke and kid around. But it is rare that I open up and really say what I need to say.

Why?

Rejection, of course.

It's much, much easier for me to appear one way, to project that...than it is to disappoint you with who I really am.

That probably sounds far more dramatic than intended. The point is...I can listen to you. I can hear your struggles. I can see broken places in your life & it makes me love you more. It makes me want to help you...to pray for you...to encourage you...to let you know that YOU are not those broken things...you are incredible and you shine and you have this amazing potential and capacity to be so much. I can see that so clearly.

I can't seem to apply it to me. I seem to think that if I let you know i'm broken that it will be too much.

and you'll walk away.

so it's safer for my heart

to project the 'kinda sorta have it together'

and shoulder on...

than to risk you knowing me

and not liking me.

rejection is a hard, hard thing.

I learned to be funny...early on

to make fun of myself before you had the opportunity.

I built up huge walls...

that protected me

from both having deep relationships but also from being hurt deeply...

The thing is...with people like me...the ones that have the biggest walls...

if you EVER penetrate them,

you find that we have the most tender hearts...

so easily bruised

because we've exposed them to so few.

You find that we give, until it hurts, typically, because we've trusted you enough to let you in...

You find a person so scared

so very scared.

Because then you have the power to hurt us, and hurt us badly...

And on the convex, you end up putting expectations on those you do let in...sometimes unfairly.

And sometimes people do hurt you...

they just do...

and you hurt them...

but you can't, I can't

live my life protecting myself from potential pain...

not when there is so much potential magic...

say what you need to say...