the difference between a doormat and a doorway...

have you ever observed a situation and from the comfort of it not being you, you wax sagely on how you'd go about things...if it were???

it's often easy to fix others, huh? :)

Jesus said, ''i came that you may have life, and have it abundantly.''

he wants that for us.
but so often
our choices, our shackles, our guilt,
our whatever
holds us in this 'place'...

we don't think we can have...
or deserve ''life abundant''
so we don't allow it...

somehow we will pay our dues
and continue to swim around in a pool of mediocre
as if that will somehow
pay for us...being, um, us.

we are swimming around, showing God how sorry we are
that we aren't better
smarter
more godly
and all the while he is thinking
um
hey you
down there
FIND SOME HAPPY
FIND SOME JOY

i have this huge life of abundant JOY i have carved out for you
and yet
every time
I see you
you are swimming
in
all the mess you have created.

don't you think that saddens the heart of the God that dances over us?
that we'd settle
in an effort
to humble ourselves enough
to deserve him to cast his eye our way...

we deign to be a doormat
when we are one step from the Doorway.

think about it
you walk up to a home
and there in front of the door ...
the doormat
(it catches the stuff we don't want inside)
but
one little step
changes everything
because ONE STEP
and you are over the thresh hold...
you are in the Doorway...

you are in the house
what you had no ''right'' to as the doormat...
what you wouldn't claim as your own
while out on the porch...
now it's yours

have at it

go ahead
take that step
walk though the Door

He's been waiting for you.

:)

What we're all saying...

''I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.''

--julia roberts/knotting hill

...

don't we all have this deep need to be loved...

not speaking only to romantic love (even though the quote leans to that thought...)

among our friends

our family

and yes

our husbands/wives/significant others.

we all want to be loved.

completely.

...

we want to have a soft place to fall...

we want them to know us

the ugly parts,

the insecurities,

the failures,

the unlovable parts...

and we want them to say,

to affirm us...

...

anyway.

...

hollywood and books tend to build this up in a most unrealistic fashion...

because

real life

isn't hollywood

nor a book

...

and our expectations go unmet

because they aren't based on anything that is reachable...

...

have you noticed how when people are in love, feel loved, they walk with an air of confidence...a knowing...a security?

...

Christ says, "I have love you with an everlasting love..."

and yet, we walk around

unsure

...

we discredit the very woo-er of the universe

by not boldly

walking in the assurance

the confidence

that we are loved beyond measure.

He treasures us...

adores us...

dances over us...

he knows us

and I mean KNOWS us...

he knows our motives

our thoughts

our deepest secrets

and he looks at us

with a love so deep and strong

it should take our breath away...

...

cause he is standing there

just asking us

to love him.

[swoon]

happy birthday to my Daddy...

my daddy
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

He is opinionated

He is funny

He has a strong work ethic

He has his doctorate degree

He butchers hogs in the winter

He is not impressed by titles or position

He reads biographies & history

He tells everyone he meets about Jesus.

He hunts & fishes

He does not put on airs or think highly of those who might

He loves completely

He gets mad and gets over it-before you are able to process what he said while he was mad :D

He's my daddy and while we butt heads and disagree and argue . I love him, so very much.

Daddy's Hands

I remember Daddy´s hands, folded silently in prayer.
And reaching out to hold me, when I had a nightmare.
You could read quite a story, in the callouses and lines.
Years of work and worry had left their mark behind.
I remember Daddy´s hands, how they held my Mama tight,
And patted my back, for something done right.
There are things that I´ve forgotten, that I loved about the man,
But I´ll always remember the love in Daddy´s hands.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.

I remember Daddy´s hands, working 'til they bled.
Sacrificed unselfishly, just to keep us all fed.
If I could do things over, I´d live my life again.
And never take for granted the love in Daddy´s hands.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love .....
In Daddy´s hands.


[the reason I took a picture of the shirt? Well because I can pretty much guarentee you my daddy has NOT ONE CLUE who Donna Karan is and I washed this shirt while he was here and giggled thinking about my daddy wearing DK]

(pic and journaling from 2008)

THIS is the perfect planting outfit...

THIS is the perfect planting outfit...
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

That was her proclamation before running out to work in the garden today.

That girl!

it's never what it seems...

So this week, it broke that Jesse James has been having an affair with a tattooed lady...

Please know, going into this post I stand by my mantra, ''anyone is capable of anything...anyone...anything''

That he cheated on his wife, isn't so shocking. I mean people do it everyday.
That he cheated on Sandra Bullock.
um,
wow.

The flesh is so capable of falling.
Women are so able to lure, to use their bodies, their wits, their 'damsel in distress, weaknesses' against men.
Now, I am not giving men an out.

Ultimately, everyone is responsible for their choices and actions.

I think men have a hard time.
I think this world is designed to make it harder for men to be circumspect.
I think when you take visual creatures
and you take women that flaunt what they have visually...
well,
then you have a battle.

My heart breaks for Sandra Bullock.
How she must feel rejected.
hurt.
betrayed.
I so wish, so wish, Jesse James could have paused...
could have stopped
and thought
I wish he could have seen how his choice
his giving into
the temptation
would make his wife feel.
how it would effect her...
how she would carry that around...
so heavy.

The whole situation makes me wonder...what is enough?
I mean they have money...
houses...
looks...
perfect bodies...
and still not satisfied...

what fills that need
that longing
if all of those things don't...

(whispers...Jesus)

caution...process in progress

That is me...well, was me. Ok. It is me. I mean that is a picture of me. However, when I look at it, it makes me cringe a little...and sad, a lot. That was me in February 2008. My body issues run long and deep. Never having been thin, the concept is foreign. I should say, never having perceived myself as thin...esk. I look back at pictures and realize I was no where near the size I thought I was...the big girl in my head--is not the girl looking back at me. Was I model thin, no...but I also wasn't the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon I envisioned in my minds eye. I've honestly, never been the pretty girl. Don't mistake that to think I had horribly low self esteem. I just accepted things for what they were...I was funny and chunky, I hung out with the pretty girls.

In January of 2008 I was the mom of 4 kiddos. I would LOVE to be able to say I was post partum here and allow an excuse...but AE was 2 by this point. I was grossly overweight. I was not happy. I was in the land of eternal winter. I was sad.

Now I am so not one of those people that makes everything else the reason. I was fat because I ate too much. I ate the wrong things. I ate a lot of the wrong things.

and losing weight is hard.

But I started in 2008
and 2 years later I am not that girl any longer.

only I am.

I'm still the fat girl in my head.
I think I may always be the fat girl.
cause I've always been the fat girl. LOL

Body image is such a weird thing. It's something I haven't given and have given an extraordinary amount of thought to...

I was at Walmart the other day and the older gentleman checking my purchases made a comment. (a family walked by, both were larger --very large, and walking was an exercise...KWIM) The man commented, (and it wasn't in a mean tone at all...it was simply an observation, I'm not saying it wasn't insensitive, I'm saying I don't think his motive was to be mean.)"I don't see how they get out of the house like that.''

Immediately I took every word he said and internalized it...just as if he were talking to me. Because the me standing there in the size 12 jeans, might as well have been back in the size 22's...

see, still the fat girl, inside.

I don't know how you get beyond that...

[then there is the whole post pregnancy with four kids, nursed four kids, pregnant 4 times in seven years, can you really get stretch marks everywhere on your body, oh look I should pose for the centerfold of national geographic dynamic too]

I don't struggle with thinking I'm funny.
I don't struggle with thinking I'm smart.
I don't' struggle with thinking I'm a good mom.
I don't struggle with thinking I am talented/creative.
I don't' struggle with thinking I am a good cook.

But wrapping my head around my true image is hard.
I suppose it's something all women deal with on some level.

I saw a picture from last summer-it's not a good picture. It's a shot of me from July 4th-slightly blurry and I'm not even looking at the camera, my face is contorted in some, ''what am I looking for/at'' pose.

but I saw the picture and had to look twice, who am I kidding I looked three...six, ten times.

It was me.

Only I didn't recognize her.

I like to think I'm in the home stretch. I want to lose another 40 lbs. I hope by my birthday in June. But I am also walking and toning and trying to do what I can with what I have...lol I want to get to know me, this me that I don't recognize, that I am not at all familiar with...

I want to be her friend.

been thinking...

I've been thinking...

on the Beatitudes, and yarn projects & unfinished yarn projects, and expectations, and words and the power of them...

{I've been wondering why we fight for something we don't really want ...to prove...what...exactly???

about over protection...and insecurity.

not understanding things--but having an understanding of things
(think on that a minute!)

I've thought about how a little leaven, causes a lot of flour to rise...and a little sin causes a life to fall.}

Blessed are the peacemakers...
(think on that...)
Blessed are they that mourn...
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness...
Blessed are the meek...
Blessed are the merciful...
Blessed are the pure in heart...
Blessed are the persecuted...

There is a line of a song I love, "held'' by Natalie Grant. It goes, ''who told us we'd be rescued?''

Sometimes there is a thought, that the Christian life is a life of ease. That if you commit to Christ then it's all pie in the sky, good things, money rolling in and no worries. However, why, oh why, would scripture give us the Beatitudes if that were so...

We are not promised to be rescued...
We are promised to be SAVED.

This Lenten season, there are things I am curbing...sacrificing. But more than that I am gaining. I am gaining a glimpse of His righteousness. I am humbled to see my need for Him so desperately. I am shamed by the pride my heart has carried. I am seeking to die to me, my wants, my will, my desire and to SEE HIM and what He offers as truly what is the best. I am making physical and spiritual offerings this season, there is death, but there is a promise...

blessed are they that mourn
for they shall see God.

(brand new eyes!)

blessed weekend, my friends.