a taste for more...(from the archives)

jacob and esau
you and i

day to day



choices



esau was hungry,

seemingly night unto death...

and for a bowl of soup

for the momentary satiation of his senses

the warmth in his belly

the feeling of full





he gave away forever...



the swirl of the spoon in the bowl,

a slurp of the simmering soup,

the enticing aroma

all promised him

contentment, satisfaction, bliss...



we hardly imagine that we'd so easily give up our forever...



until we do...



in that moment

we sit glutted

and our soul

growls

and the pain of empty in our belly

matches the pain in our heart

at the realization



that the morsel of the moment...

the forbidden fruit...

the tantilizing taste...

the second serving of selfish seeking...



has left us

looking into an bare bowl

and leading an empty life



the good thing about empty...

it is full of possibilities-



an empty cross, showed redemption

an empty tomb, promised hope

and a starving soul & empty bowl...the perfect placeholder for The Bread of Life



forever

i pray

i pray

... because my soul has this deep calling, this desire to be known
and the person who knows me best
the One that knows
every.
single.
fault.
and I have them. OH do I have them.

the person that knows
i'm jealous
judgmental
think bad things
say bad things
laugh at inappropriate things
do inappropriate things
gossips
lies
loses my temper
fails
falls
tempts
is tempted
have weaknesses that ensnare me, repeatedly

He knows
all the stuff about me...
all of it
and He still hangs around.

Because His love won't let go...
even when I run
when I hide
when I fall again
when i let Him down
when I do what I promise I won't
when I act
just
like
a
girl
robed in flesh

He loves me.

and he listens...
to me prattle on
and He knows I pray and am distracted by shiny
and He knows I am
His.

I find it easy to pray.
not because it's easy to do...
because admitting you've fallen short, again
is humbling.

but having Him there, standing ready to hold your hand,
makes me want to walk straighter
be better
be more

praying is the most holy of the daily mundane
i can cry out to my abba father
in the midst of crayolas and barbies
i can run to him ...as I run in circles through my day
i can ask for mercy
be granted grace
in the shower...as I scrub off the sludge of another day
my soul too, loses it's grime...
i can't wait to pray at the appropriate time-
i pray
with each breath

whispering hope


i pray
not because i have it all together
or am an example to follow
or even know what I am doing...

i pray
because of all that I am not
and all that I want to be...

prayer is my link to reality
it connects my faith driven spirit
to my impulse driven flesh
it balances out
my Apostle Peter mouth
with my Martha prone persona
and makes me accepted

by the ONE who matters most.

I pray
because it keeps me in communication
with the One who created me
to
be
exactly who I am...

gentle reminders

sometimes in the midst of bad parenting moments
i am humbled
tonight was one of those nights.

all of us, short on sleep from the night before, have been a bit testy today.
when you take five year old, high drama and mix it with lack of sleep...
you get five year old WAY HIGH DRAMA multiplied to the four hundredth power ...

so, after AE had directly disobeyed 3 times I sent her to brush her teeth and to bed
(because she needed bed..worn.out.frayed.emotions.put the child to bed)
I'll pause for a moment so you can, in your mind, work up the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth that accompanied this edict. :)

So she's in bed...
i'm cleaning the kitchen
and well
it's the drama
and here is the truth
drama
wears
me
out
but I also know
while it's not right or good...
when you reach a point of tired-
you are just tired
and it's not that you're not responsible for the drama
it's just...you are wound up in it by that point.

so I go back to her room and I remind her
as gently as you can
when you are also tired
from a day that did you...
that it was bedtime...

about ten minutes later the drama had died down
the kitchen was done
and I went to her room
she just wanted to tell the boys goodnight
but really
she just wanted to get up
but that was a no go
so tears

snubbing
real full on
emotional release
my body is so tired I cannot stand myself
crying

and she looked at me
and said
I CANNOT MAKE THIS STOP
please forgive me

and I sat there
a little stunned

and I snuggled her up to me and said, ''baby you were already forgiven''
and she pulled herself into me
and I sang over her...
the words of the old hymn altered
to pour truth all over her

oh how I love anna-elizabeth

oh how I love anna-elizabeth

oh how I love anna-elizabeth

because she is so sweet...

to me

she is so wonderful

and I love her

to me

she is so wonderful

and I love her

to me

she is

so wonderful

and I love her

because she is so sweet

and I sang

and I cried...

and her snubbing subsided

and she fell into a soft place of rest...

and I remembered my own day

that wasn't great, that chased me with reminders

...

and my questions that forever echo in my soul

and my wanting to know why

and my own drama

and tears

full on

emotional

i am at the end of myself

fits

and as I held her

HE held me

and sang...

grace mixed with faith and love, poured over me and into me, all because of Jesus

1 Timothy 1:14