Wordless Wednesday

blog
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

{a few words...i miss my favorite fall shoes}

random spurts of thought

This morning, already feels off kilter. LOL

It's that whole change thing...

Today I slept in till 6 a.m. and I'm letting the kids sleep in till 8--that's an hour more than usual, for each of us.

I'm doing a little experiment with our school day-seeing if a bit of extra sleep, actually works toward making the mornings a bit smoother and school a bit easier to get started.

We'll see.

I'm drinking coffee and my mind has about a million and six thoughts.

Very few of them are cohesive. (maybe that's my normal? no? lol)

I tend to over think things, to assign greater importance to things than needed. I'm working on that.

I'm thinking about Christmas-already.
Or maybe not already, I mean they have the stuff out in stores so that I'm thinking of it-maybe is timely. LOL
Regardless, I'm thinking of Christmas & have in mind some things for the makings of a happy Christmas morning.

My coffee cup is low.

I need a manicure...I *want* a manicure. Heh.

Today is national chocolate day. :)

Typically breakfast is not a big appeal to me, however, this morning I want something & nothing sounds good.

I'm not sure my boys will ever enjoy cursive writing. They both prefer print. They know, or have been taught the mechanics of cursive, and can sign their name (oh, that makes them legal!) so I suppose all is good--but I just never imagined cursive writing would be a 'bump' in our homeschooling road.

I told my friend Renee last night that I want a really good day. And as I told her, my life is very blessed. I am not complaining or whining. I just want one of those days where you wake up with a happy song in your head. The temp is about 70, the sky is the perfect shade of spring blue with fluffy clouds. Your coffee is good & you get snail mail (fun snail mail, not bills!) to boot. You know what I mean, THAT kind of day. :)

I'm trying to get back into the daily 'do' of blogging.
Thus, today's spew of general nothings. :)

For now, I need to start my day.
I hope yours is a good one. :D

The control freak in me...

I like control.

I mean, I guess most people do. I mean is there a large number of people that just thrive on disorder and chaos?

{perhaps...lol}

But not me. I like to plan. I like schedules. I like order. I like neat and I like tidy.

I have this idea in my head and the hardest thing is what LIFE has the nerve to not adhere to that plan.

It's easier, when your children are younger to kind of have blanket control without seemingly like a control freak. :) However, as your kiddos get older you begin to realize that releasing them is part of the process, and in that process of releasing them, you have to then release---control. ACK!

To say that God is growing me, would me a huge understatement. I feel stretched and pulled and tired and pouty, a lot.

But I am finding that it IS going to be ok. That I don't HAVE to know what is happening next. That I don't have to PLAN it...because HE is already there. He's paved the way.

I'm finding that as long as things get done...that it doesn't matter if they go on my schedule. That I don't have to micromanage things. Also, micromanagement doesn't ensure the desired outcome (doh!) it just lets you see the over zealousness in outline form--it sort of mocks you and your plan/s.

So most days, well a lot of days lately I'm finding grace.
I'm finding out that sometimes you just need to chill.
I'm seeing that stopping and being instead of moving and doing is good too.
I'm realizing that there is freedom for me, in letting go of something that HE's holding anyway.

There is peace there.

Give peace a chance.

Cast iron theology...

So I was cleaning the kitchen last night and God did that thing where he uses the practical to illustrate the spiritual for me.

I love cooking with cast iron. I do!

Did you know that when you get new cast iron there is this process of seasoning you do?
Did you know after your pan is seasoned you aren't supposed to use soap on it?
The pan, once seasoned, acts similarly to teflon...the soap strips those properties away, and soap will also get into the pores of your cast iron....anyway, I digress...

So I'm there, hot water pulsing, scrubbie poised, pouring on the salt.

Yes, salt.

Why? Because salt acts as an abrasive and it also purifies--without damaging or stripping the seasoning.

It was then I thought about our Christian walk.
There is a falacy in believing that following Jesus means sunshine and rainbows.
Sometimes it hurts.
Sometimes our growth in Christ is painful.

He is cleaning us, to make us holy before Him.
He is scrubbing away the stuck on stuffs.

Oh he purifies us.

The trials of our faith are abrasive, they are for our good.

But he never strips us.

Who knew...

It would happen.

I mean they TELL you it will...but, when you are in the middle of it, you think NAH, it won't happen.

But today, it did.

Today, my heart broke a little as I watched Toy Story with my kiddos.

It has safely been 3 or 4 years since we watched it together.

But today, after church (for the boys--baby girl is still running low grade fever) we baked cookies and snuggled in their room and watched.

You have to know that my Nathan is eleven and used to carry around Rex and Buzz when he was three.

Elijah is newly 7 and back when he was 3, Toy Story and Toy Story 2 were in high rotation on his DAILY watching menu. His words were very few at that time...but his love for Toy Story & Five Monkeys On The Bed (book) was vast.

So today, we watched.

Anna-Elizabeth met Woody for the first time.
I can't wait for her to see the second one and meet Jessie the Cowgirl.

But then it happened.
My older boys totally got the adult humor.

"Buzz Lightbeer'' did you hear that Mom, FUNNNNNNNNNNNY.

Elijah still enjoyed it, but when I looked over--there was this big kid sitting where my silent 3 year old was supposed to be...

And I did that Mom thing, where you sit there and you feel this pain--akin to a growing pain, because you realize that your ''littles'' are so.not.little & they've become these big kids, seemingly overnight.

My heart was happy. I was sitting there remeeting my kids. Meeting their next phase.

My head was overwhelmed with how quickly the time has passed.

I wanted to stop and roll around in memory. I wanted to remember Nathan holding those mini action figures and taking them everywhere. I wanted to remember the day our VCR edition of Toy Story broke and it made for a very sad day for Elijah. I wanted to be there again...to make some better choices, to love more, and fuss less and kiss them and cherish those moments...I wanted to tell them, to ask them to just stay little there, because the world is scary and Momma's can protect little kids. :)

But I couldn't. I can't.

Life keeps on going. The days turn to weeks and the weeks to months an the months to years, until you are sitting there questioning exactly HOW the time got away from you.

So instead, I laughed with my big ones, enjoyed seeing Elijah's seven year old response & got to see love bloom for the movie in AE's eyes.

I can take that
well, that and knowing the third installment will hold more memories for us.

Seven

Jah approaching 7
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

My Elijah...

His eyes shine,
his smile melts my heart.
He's my last little boy...
He can reading,
and he's wiggly,
he loves candy and wrestling and hanging out with Nathan.
He's stubborn
and willful


Sometimes, you don't realize how easy things come-
until you have one that struggles
and you watch them
and everything in your Momma heart, cheers them on
and yet
they struggle.
They fight so hard
for what come naturally for others.
And your heart
breaks into a million pieces
when the reality of childhood happens-
and some kid, (or adult)
won't take the time, to listen or try to hear,
and you watch him-
realize that...
and you fight to teach him, that he's worth it
that he's got so much potential
and talent
and that one day
one day
the voice that struggled to be understood
will shout from the mountaintops.

Elijah, you came into the world one October morning,
in your toddler days you woke me each morning with, ''good morning my beautiful momma.''
and now my mornings are filled with you saying, ''would you like a hug from your piece of toast'' or you reading to you.

I love you, more than you can ever imagine.
I'm always on your side.
You've got a friend in me.
Happy Birthday!
<3

Honestly

I've toyed with this post for a while.

As I sit here, prepared to write it, finally. I wonder if I am really prepared.

It's hard to know what to say.

So we'll just spit it out and move along.

I am getting a divorce.

::exhales::

looks around

K.

I never thought I'd type those words. I never in a million, billion years thought I would, but I am.

Since I have been blogging I have never pulled my marriage into my blogging, now that my marriage is over, I won't begin to do it either.

You can know, the last couple of years have been hard. The last year and a half was the hardest time of my life.

You can rest assured that I question myself a million times a day.

I won't blog details, that is just not for the Internets consumption.
I will say that I left and I filed.

What I will share is that my children have two parents that love them very much.
Very much.

I am going to do everything I can to keep them whole and happy.
I am going to trust God with the rest.

That may sound flippant and foolish--but I just have to believe that God is able. That my mess is not put on my kids. Will they walk away from all of this unaffected, absolutely NOT, but we do not walk through life with out being affected. I have to trust that God will hold them and fill in all the gaps and work them for His glory in their lives.

I have hurt more in the last year or so than I imagined a heart could. I have felt judged and misunderstood. I have felt selfish and hateful. I have felt lonely and sad. I have questioned everything I thought was real. I have questioned my faith and my foundation. I have cried, and yelled and snarked and stomped my feet.

I will not try to pretend that everything is ok. But I know that everything will be ok.
I am ok with that.

Thank you for your prayers and for your readership.
Thank you for being my friends.