This clear and present danger...

It was August 19, 1994.

I had a date.
with the man I would go on to marry...
the man with whom I would share eight homes in five states...
the man I who would give me four children...
the man I would also divorce.

A date. A movie. Harrison Ford.

And we began.
And in that beginning I never, ever imagined the ending.

And I never, ever imagined the now.

Yet, now, is where we are...

August 16, 2012.
Almost eighteen years have passed.
Life happened.
Memories were made.
Laughter was shared.
Hearts were broken.

who knew that a movie title...would hold such significance so much time later...


Today I sit here at my keyboard and contemplate...

that man I loved...
and left...

is not the same man...
he is different...


a disease , cancer, now wages war in his body...
and he fights.

and he fights to win my heart, again...
and he fights to be a father to our children...
and he fights to beat an opponent he never challenged...

and I think about that movie...
and Jack Ryan ...
and while I would never fall for the Hollywood love story ending...
all neat and tidy...
because it just doesn't happen that way...

I am so thankful for the chance...
to roll the film again...
to see God work and deliver us...through...

this clear and present danger.

Will you pray for my family?

Please.

My heart will be forever thankful.

My girl...

seven
lucky number seven.

my girl.

i love her with this amazing force I didn't know existed.
she pushes every button I have...
she makes me better.
she humbles me.
and challenges me.

she dances.
she thinks.
she chases butterflies...
sparkly things.
dreams.

she is honest.
with a biting wit.

and a heart
that loves completely.

she is dramatic.
the leader.
the diva.
the queen.

she is seven
and seventeen.

she desperately wants to be...
so many things
and already
is more than she imagines.

she is beautiful
and smart.
strong
amazing
and
vulnerable.

she is my heart.
my reason.

my girl.

But God...

We have a rule in our home.

Anything you say after BUT cancels out EVERYTHING you said before it.

It benefits you none to apologize if you are going to say ... but and then explain why your actions were justified.

Three letters.

BUT

and they carry such sway.

They can completely rob a conversation of its meaning.

I thought of this a couple of times today. Both times, the thought spurred because of friends that were talking about choices they'd made...
things they'd done...
the people they were before...

and I thought about God.

and how
we stumble through life
making choices,
taking chances,
messing up,
falling down,
digging deep into the mire
going against what we know to do
repeating past mistakes

trying again...

 we are often reminded
of the people we were
before

before grace
before mercy

before

we met a Man that told us everything before the BUT is cancelled...

and everything after is what counts...

BUT GOD demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, He sent his Son to die for us.  Romans 5:8

not yet...

it's never in church that they doubt us...
in church , within the walls ... we are in uniform
hands raised in worship
singing the songs
saying the words

but

when we cross the threshold
when the sanctuary turns into daily life...

when the sales associate is less than helpful,
when the kid is pitching a fit and rolling on the floor, all while the mom watches,
when the waitress gets the order wrong,
when the welfare mom ...with four kids...by three different dads gets pregnant...again (and needs assistance)

what do they think...then

we spend time, lots of it
being better ''Christians''
the bible studies,
the conferences,
the church services...

but how much time do we sacrifice to be more like Christ?

We confuse it, I think...

We do well with church...
with telling them what they need,
with giving to the homeless mission,
with praying for those without faith...

but...

what do they say about our Jesus...

What can they say...
when we are yelling JESUS LOVES YOU...
but our actions are screaming...
"NOT YET"

not yet...
you are too worldly

not yet...
you are too sinful

not yet...
you are too far gone...

we possess HOPE
and we hold it...
tightly
guarded
protected.

are we scared?

of what?

that if we share that grace that saved us...
that what?

that they....them...

with change???

Don't you see it?

People are hurting
wounded
addicted
tired...

looking for something to believe
and we have JESUS.

all to ourselves
neat and tidy
wrapped up on Sunday.

But.
look where we find Him...
-hanging out with a hooker...
-a crazy demon possessed man...
-a money swindler...
-a blind beggar...
-a leaper...

the ones society, the church...
shunned

Jesus

sat with...talked to
ate with..
spoke truth to
and
changed...

Jesus was on a life mission. He wanted the ones most rejected...neglected...bitter and sinful
to know...

15 Later Jesus and his disciples were at home having supper with a collection of disreputable guests. Unlikely as it seems, more than a few of them had become followers. 16 The religion scholars and Pharisees saw him keeping this kind of company and lit into his disciples: "What kind of example is this, acting cozy with the riff-raff?" 17 Jesus, overhearing, shot back, "Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? I'm here inviting the sin-sick, not the spiritually-fit."

Mark 2:15-17

and it is what they still need to know...

that there is no sin too big...

there is no muck too deep...

there is no choice too bad...

no point of no return...

they need to know,

that HE

that we...

love them.

That grace is amazing ... that mercy is theirs

and that He is not finished with them...

not yet.

This one's for the girls...

I like you. Do you like me?

[ ] yes [ ] no

and so begins our affair with love...

pick me...
choose me...
me...
me...
me...

With Ludicris proclaiming...

...i'm only gonna break your heart and shatter and splatter it all into little bitty pieces. Whether or not you get it all together, then it's finders keepers and losers weepers...

Rhianna pleads...

...want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. like I'm the only one that you'll ever love. like I'm the only one that knows your heart...

When you take a heart that wants to be the only one that you'll ever love and mix it with a motive to only break your heart...

you end up with pieces of your soul torn away...

and you listen and believe...

and Adele plaintively rolls around with you and you think it's not crazy to want someone else like him.

you know.

him.

the one currently responsible

for the condition of your heart....

and Tammy Wynette, from the distant past, tells you, 'he's just a man.'

and Kelly Clarkson reminds you, '' he don't know nothing bout you.''

When the truth is, he does. He does know. He knows your soul.

But it's far easier to bellow angsty, woman power lyrics than it is to acknowledge the pain.

and it gets confused, this thing we learn to call love...

But love, as defined by The Great Love is this:

it doesn't flit around, because it is patient...

it doesn't deliberately cause pain, because it is kind...

it doesn't test the waters...see what else is out there...or volley between people, because it does not dishonor others and isn't self seeking...

it doesn't get snarky and manipulative and retaliate, because it is not easily angered...

it doesn't remind you of your past, because it doesn't keep score...

it doesn't find any measure of pay off in telling lies, because it rejoices in truth...

it doesn't hurt, because it protects.

it doesn't misled, because it trusts.

it doesn't give up, because it always hopes.

and

it doesn't walk away, because it preservers.

Love is worth fighting for but it is not something for which you are always fighting...

Love is not optional.

...

What's the word for when your heart breaks and you never intended for it to...

what is that sound, you swear, it must be audible...

death...click

betrayal...click

fired...click

miscarriage...click

cancer...click

click...
click...
click..

the words fall through muddled understanding...
you hear them
but you can't be hearing correctly...
can you?
you can't seem to distinguish the intonation...
over
the
clicking...
the clicks,
your heart, marking moments...
moments you never, ever imagined...

your breath stuck
somewhere between actually breathing...

you make it through the moment...
the day...
and your heart has the audacity
to keep beating...

our hearts break and we recover...
because the God that created us put within us a desire...

a strength to believe
better things will happen

a longing to become
what He intended

a promise to listen
when we cry out , ''why'' ...

a resilience that whispers
through a sadness that catches your breath...still

LIVE

"I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of..."

John 10:10 MSG