In the middle of wondering...

Have you ever been disappointed?

Have you ever prayed and prayed and prayed...
and the answer felt like a rejection?

Have you ever felt like you are being forgotten?

Have you ever had days that you doubted?

If we are honest... I think we all have...
and if God knows our hearts and the thoughts we have , why can't we feel ok to admit our struggles?

The ones that sail through , never seeming to struggle, make me feel inadequate.
It's not that I doubt God is good.
It's not that I doubt He is right.
It's not that I doubt that He has a plan.
It's not that I think my way is better.

No, it's not that.

Because, there is a part of me, that knows those things...a part of me that clings to them. They are my north star, keeping my faith guided even when things around me rage in stormy proportions.

I never doubt Him.

but, if I am honest...
I struggle with me.

I battle against praying for something that the odds are against...
And yet I feel like praying is my only method for beating those odds.
And.
then.
if I am really, really, really, gut level, honest...
I struggle with wanting to rant and rail

it's just not fair.

but if I allow myself...
to remember...
the whole of His promises...

if I allow myself to get lost in His word...

if I stop
and refocus

I find people throughout scripture, just like me...
Mary and Martha-weeping and questioning Jesus' love when their brother Lazarus died...
The woman that had spent twelve years, money and countless visits to doctors-still not healed...
Thomas... standing in front of Jesus, but still needing to touch his scars before he would commit to believing...
and Jesus , in the garden, praying for the cup to pass...

If you follow those stories, each time you will see a GREATER ending than the current situation projected...

This is what I hold on to as I pray daily...for Donald's cancer, for friends that are struggling with seeing God's plan, when I wonder how things can turn out for good...

 even if my current reaction is doubt ...

that my heart will hold to the GREATER ending that He has planned...

What are you struggling with believing?
What have you prayed for over and over and feel it isn't being answered?
What situation, wiggles at the edges of your faith, making you wonder ?
What doubt dances across your mind as you pray?

Remember-these current things are just precursors ... they are steps in the path that He has designed. It's ok to wonder about the steps...it's ok to fall down and cry along the route. It's even ok, to get  frustrated with the whole thing. God is a big, big God and He can handle it. He knows the trail, He marked it out and He's walked it already...

This weekend Donald and I will run a 5K.
Donald , with his ten minute mile pace, will cross the finish line long before I do.
But he'll be waiting for me when I get there...

What a GREAT ending.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart..

Jeremiah 29:11-13.