It's another Monday...

I don't always fall into the camp that hates Mondays. I often wonder what exactly it is that makes some Mondays seem so insane. Granted, other days have their share of crazy...maybe it's something about the change of schedule. Something about coming off the weekend that leaves you ill prepared for falling back into the scheme of things.

I started a new bible study this morning. My friend, Leann, is leading it via Facebook and it is via Good Morning Girls. It's the book of Luke ... about leading and following... and I'm excited.

I am also taking my life back today.

Sound dramatic?

Ha.

I feel , a little, (without trying to actually BE dramatic) like my life has been spinning since June of last year. 

I try to not make Donald's diagnosis about me. I try to not make my life about it. 

But that proves to be kind of a hard thing.

Because, there is something about it-that winds it way into every branch of my thinking, of my doing...

and so I constantly carry it...while trying to put it down.

It's hard for me. 

All that to say...since June, I have been spinning. Kind of without focus-just making it ... doing the next thing.

Today, I recapture two things consistently. 

bible study and exercise

I will pray-in conversation... trying to leave the gasp of words strung together...in a desperate need to connect and plea.

I don't know if it makes sense...I don't know how to make it make sense. And I fight the censor that says , ''that's waaaaaay dramatic'' 

See, I never imagined I would be divorced...

and while we were separated ... I never imagined we would be remarried...

and I never, ever, imagined or was prepared for him to call and tell me he had cancer.

and I never imagined the turn of events...

the renewed feelings,

the scary journey of building trust...

and the day to day dance with carrying the sadness

that he's really sick...

and that really

outside 

of 

an amazing

God making

miracle

it will all end.

I try not to consider that a lot. I sure don't dwell on it and believe you me I speak against it and pray against it and beg for it to be different...

and it leaves me...sitting here, a mess on Monday morning.

It's cliche, the whole ''live each day to the fullest"  and people vow they will and they plan to...tomorrow. Because no one really thinks it will be their last day.

No one considers, seriously that something may actually befall them...

No one lives as if it will be their last day-because they are too busy planning vacations, and day trips and things down the road-to enjoy the path they are on today...

and then suddenly everything has a time frame

and everything shifts

and perspectives change

and you think

how very hard it is to carry that...

and so

today I begin to seek some sort of new normal...

refusing to continue in the swirl of what's out there...

waiting...

because

by virtue of that 

I am losing today...

and today I have everything I need

to make it

and tomorrow

He is waiting there for me...

and I will never be alone.

Selah.